Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

They Grow Up So Fast...
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just
know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny
goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely
walks up to him and says

"Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for
her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies,
"In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit
there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge
grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get
a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5
bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a
month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put
so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to
come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you
have got everything all figured out. I just have one more
question for you.

"What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of
your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been
lucky so far...."

[BrilloPad]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on this absolutely stunning island
in the middle of nowhere, the following things have
occurred:

a.. One Italian man killed the other Italian man
for the Italian woman.

b.. The two French men and the French woman are
living happily together in ménage-a-trois.

c.. The two German men have a strict weekly
schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

d.. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other
and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

e.. The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.

f.. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the
endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian
woman and started swimming.

g.. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are
awaiting instructions.

h.. The two Chinese men have set up a
pharmacy/liquorstore/restaurant/laundry and have got
the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for
their store.

i. The two American men are contemplating the
virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps
on complaining about her body, the true nature of
feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
household chores, how sand and palm trees make her
look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her nicer than they do, and how her
relationship with her mother is improving, and how at
least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

j.. The two Irish men divided the island into North
and South and set up a distillery. They do not
remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort
of foggy after the first few litres of coconut
whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the
English aren't having any fun.

[BrilloPad]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make Love for the first
time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for
about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms
and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
Like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.

"I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the Pharmacist. "I
intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice." The pharmacist,
with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in! " The boy goes
inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.10
minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, " I had no idea you were this religious. "

The boy turns, and whispers back,"I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."

[BrilloPad]

"Ey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach
ache, and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like
this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel
better and I can go to work. You should try that."

About 2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel
great, I'll be at work soon. You got nice house."

[BrilloPad]

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of
making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your
money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that
I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that
you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see
what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then,
nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[BrilloPad]

Henry was getting on in years and his family decided that he is just too
much of a burden. Time to put him in a retirement home. So they took him
out to Sunnyside Retirement Home and helped him get settled.

After he was there for a few hours, a lovely young nurse came in and asked
if he would like to spend a some time on the sun porch. Henry said "Sure
sweetie."

So Henry and the nurse sat on the sun porch enjoying the sun and the warm
gentle breeze, when Henry suddenly begins to lean to his left. The nurse,
thinking he would fall for sure, pushes him back upright. A few minutes
pass, and Henry again begins to lean but this time to his right. The nurse
again pushes him back upright. A few minutes later the scene is repeated.
Finally, the nurse takes Henry back to his room.

The next day, Henry's friend George came to visit. "How do you like it
here?" asked George.

"Well" said Henry "it's OK, I guess. The bed is comfortable. The food is
OK. The people are nice. But, they sure as hell don't want you to fart on
the sun porch!"

[BrilloPad]

The following was published in The New York Times. This is an NYU college
admissions application essay question, and an actual answer written by an
applicant:
QUESTION 3A:
In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the
applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you
have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
ANSWER:
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban
refugees. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my
sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe
inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty
minutes.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using
only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I
play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in
my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey
with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room
that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation
in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I
frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I
participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of
life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I
have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken
with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
He was accepted.

[BrilloPad]

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks,
rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was
full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the
open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar
was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your
life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner,
your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and
only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the
other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar
first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.

The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the
small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to
you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your
partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the
house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then..........


A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor
agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the
beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is
always room for BEER

[BrilloPad]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-
department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a
day.

How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64."

The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic
would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and
sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot - you might as well go
fishing."

[BrilloPad]

A Vermont native found himself in a difficult position yesterday while
touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari Zoo with a group of thespians
from
St. Petersburg, Russia. Ronald went to extremes to demonstrate the power
of Crazy Glue, one of America's many marvels, to the Russians. To prove
the effectiveness of Crazy Glue, he rubbed several ounces of the
adhesive
onto the palms of his hands and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of
a
passing rhino. The rhinoceros, a resident of the zoo for the thirteen
years, was not initially startled, as it has been part of the petting
exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of
being involuntarily stuck to Ronald, it began to panic and charge wildly
about the petting area with Ronald as an unwitting passenger. "Sally the
Rhino hadn't been feeling well. She was constipated, and had just been
given a laxative when the American played his juvenile prank, " said
caretaker James Douglass. During Sally's tirade, a shed wall was gored,
two fences destroyed, and a number of small animals escaped. Three pygmy
goats and one duck were stomped to death. During the stampede and
subsequent capture, Sally began to feel the effects of the laxative,
showering Ronald repeatedly with over 30 gallons of rhinoceros diarrhea.
A team of medics and zoo caretakers were needed to remove his hands from
Sally's buttocks. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down while
shielding
our faces from the pelting rhino dung. I guess you could say that Ronald
was in it up to his neck. Once she was under control, three people with
shovels were working to keep an air passage open for him. We were
eventually able to tranquilize Sally and apply a solvent to remove his
hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing
with
Crazy Glue for awhile." Meanwhile, the amused Russians were impressed
with
the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but
of
course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov,
leader
of the troupe. Ronald did not die, nor was there any reproductive
injury,
so he can only qualify for a Darwin Award if you are persuaded by the
fact
that nobody would date a man who smelled of rhino dung.