Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious
stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no
known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by
saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the
natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens do
not come into direct contact with each other.

[BrilloPad]

A fly is hovering about twelve inches above the surface of a lake. A trout
sees the fly and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six inches,
I can jump out of the water, snatch him up, and have myself a nice lunch."
A bear is crouched near a tree on the edge of the lake. He sees the fly and

the trout and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six inches, the

trout will jump out of the water, and I can dash in and grab him and have
myself a nice lunch."
A hunter is standing on the other side of the lake. He sees the fly, the
trout, and the bear, and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six
inches, the trout will jump out of the water, the bear will come running
into the lake, and I can get a nice clean shot at him and have myself some
nice
bear meat for lunch."
A mouse is hiding on the ground next to the hunter. He sees the fly, the
trout, and the bear, and sees a cheese sandwich dangling from the hunter’s
bag, and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six inches, the
trout
will jump out of the water, the bear will rush into the lake, and this
hunter will open fire, causing the sandwich to fall and giving me a heckuva
nice
lunch."
A cat is lying nearby in the grass. He sees the fly, the trout, the bear,
the hunter, and the mouse, and says to himself, "If that fly would drop
just
six inches, the trout will jump out of the water, the bear will rush into
the
lake, the hunter will open fire, the sandwich will fall, the mouse will
grab the
sandwich, and I can sneak up on the mouse and have myself a nice lunch."
Lo and behold, it happens. The fly drops six inches, the trout jumps out of

the water, the bear rushes into the lake, the hunter opens fire, the
sandwich falls, the mouse grabs the sandwich, and the cat lunges for the
mouse,
misses, and falls into the lake.
What is the moral of the story?
A lots needs to happen for the pussy to get wet

[BrilloPad]

The following is said to be an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via e-mail, which, of course, is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat) ?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student however, wrote the following:

'First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it ?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you', and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God'.

The student is said to have recived an A+.

[BrilloPad]

SALAD DODGER.
An
excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply
unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and
talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group,
discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was
responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot
of noise, craps on everything, and
Then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The
process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up
to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience
of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.


* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE
DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and

people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also

applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

*
SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn

into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home

with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* SINBAD.
Single
working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE
BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.


* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of
an electronic device to get it
to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and

file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly

inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' -
needless

paperwork and processes.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the
World Wide Web error message '404 Not
Found' meaning that the requested
document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French
Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule
fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake
(e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only
an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard
intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The
'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food
rest au rants often wear to
show
their level of training.

*
MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive
when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth
seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself
in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus
that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after
your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people
so
the pub is
suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake

up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter
in
your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat
worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am .

* BEER
COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after
booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how

you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After

breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be

required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART
FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

*
TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose
knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks

[BrilloPad]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, my 1st husband was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'My 2nd Husband was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

'My 3rd Husband was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get it up and running.

'My 4th Husband was in Logistics; even though he knew he'd got the right equipment, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'My 5th Husband was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

'My 6th Husband was in Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'My 7th Husband was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'My 8th Husband was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'My 9th Husband was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'My 10th Husband was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're a plumber....So this time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED'

[BrilloPad]

THE PERFECT DAY

FOR HER

8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.

8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice
and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery
chosen by thoughtful partner.

9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.

10.00 Light work out at club with handsome funny
personal trainer.

10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor
cafe.

12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and
notices she has gained 7kg.

1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3.00 Nap.

4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is
from secret admirer.

4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from
strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work
on such a perfect body.

5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe,
parade before full length mirror.

7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing,
with compliments received from other diners/dancers.

10.00 Hot shower (alone).

10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp,
new, white linen).

11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.


FOR HIM

6.00 Alarm.

6.15 Blow job.

6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports
section.

7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast,
all cooked by naked buxom wench.

7.30 Limo arrives.

7.45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport.

9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.

9.30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job
en-route).

9.45 Play front nine (2 under).

11.45 Lunch Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a
bottle of Dom Perignon.

12.15 Blow job.

12.30 Play back nine (4 under).

2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Whiskeys).

2.30 Fly to Monte Carlo.

3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female
crew (all nude).

4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light
tackle.

5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle
McPherson.

6.45 tulip, Shower and Shave.

7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated;
marijuana and porn legalised.

7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953),
big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on
a pair of tits.

9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of
wall-size TV as you watch international match of the
day; England beating Germany 11-0.

9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian
tendencies).

11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and
a cleansing ale.

11.30 A night cap blowjob.

11.45 In bed alone.

11.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and
forces the dog to leave the room.

[BrilloPad]

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell
her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves..."Do you
know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well," he spoofed, "Down in Mexico they have this big building
set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked
according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank,
dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the
latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel
off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate'
and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit! Five minutes later, during the
procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst
out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought
about how they must make condoms!"

[BrilloPad]

Mejia was trying to get a job in India, the personnel manager said 'Muzibar, you have passed all the tests except one, Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green,green,green,green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow ' , this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

[BrilloPad]

A bloke in a wheelchair enters 'Stars In Their Eyes' and goes on stage
to Matthew, who asks him his name, to which he answers 'Simon'
"and why are you in this wheelchair?" asks Matthew.
"Well, two years ago my uncle and I were involved in a car crash.
My uncle was killed instantaneously and I was trapped for 6 hours before the
emergency services could cut me free. Unfortunately they had to
amputate both my legs. The good news was that they managed to save my uncles
legs and transplant them onto me, and in 6 months the doctors tell me I
should be walking.
"Excellent" says Matthew, "and who have you come as tonight?"
"Tonight, I'm going to be........Simon & Halfuncle"

[BrilloPad]

Eminem's tour of Australia is to go ahead despite concerns about a
sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an
irresponsible attitude to sex and violence and of course, the
dungarees. But Eminem said despite these shocking idiosyncrasies he
was willing to judge Australians for himself.