Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

12 Ways To Get Rid of Telemarketers -- Unknown Author

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1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just
filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it
back, or is it like the other money you borrowed before
your bankruptcy?"


2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why
do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have
all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died...." When they get try to get
back to the sales process, just continue on with telling
about your problems.


3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company,
ask him to spell their name, then ask them to spell the
company name, then ask them where it located. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their
company for as long as necessary.


4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer:
"Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel
services....

You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a
really husky voice) what are you wearing?"


5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and
surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy,
how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few
brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where
the hell she could know you from.


6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of
each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to
speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until
they hang up.


7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their
Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as
you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be
my friend?"


8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can?
Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood
too?"


9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing
minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an
occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.
They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't
give your credit card number to someone who's a complete
stranger.


10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example:

Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."

You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are
you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."

You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's
business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy
against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."


11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh,
my God!!!" and then hang up.


12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will
give you their phone number you will call them back. If
they say they are not allow to give out their number, then
ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home (this is usually the most effective method of
getting rid of Telemarketers).

If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a
call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel, smiling
of course...

[BrilloPad]

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.
He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin:
"Use Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. I'll give you a second chance, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says: "Wilsons Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Listen, I'll give you a last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently.
The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video.A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says:
"If only we had used Wilson Nails!"

[BrilloPad]

Gorilla antics

Rodney went to the zoo one day.

While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the
gorilla watching him intently.
Rodney waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back.
He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him.
He jumped up and down. The gorilla started jumping.
He made faces, pulled his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and
beat on his chest.
His antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.

All of a sudden the wind gusted and Rodney got some grit in his eye.
He rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he, he stepped
closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge
the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached
out, grabbed the nearly blinded man and beat him senseless.

When he came to, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as
soon as he was able to talk, he told the keeper what had happened.
The zoo keeper nodded and explained, "in gorilla language, pulling down
your eyelid means 'screw you'".

The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he
accepted it. As he left, however, Rodney became madder and madder and
plotted his revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried
to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a
knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, Rodney put on the party
hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next
he picked up his horn and blew on it.
The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
He twirled in a circle blowing the horn.
The gorilla did the same.
Then Rodney picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the
gorilla copied it.
Next he whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own
crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

[BrilloPad]

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking
around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the centre of the
ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes
out from above. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks
around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As
I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around,
high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries
one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice
interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The
drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do
you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the
voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey stadium!"

[BrilloPad]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man, "I was having a quiet round of
golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up
the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball - stuck right in
the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like
yours!"

[BrilloPad]

Steven Wright Classics

- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't
park anywhere near the place.

- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for
a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

- What's another word for -thesaurus?-

- When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and
get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count
how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child... eventually.

- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.

- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in
a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France
who said, -Cut it
out!-

- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

- I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time
I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe
I wrote that.-

- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus
on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks
at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it
clearly)... and says, -Here, you can go.

- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything
specific.

- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

- My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

- I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, -
I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when
I'm out.-

- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't
know how I got there.

- I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any
time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You
don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street
and... oohh, that's much
better.

- I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection
of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over
the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's
always room- temperature.

- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of
the precipitate.

- You can't have everything... where would you put it?

- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same
time. I think I've forgotten this before.

- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When
I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I
said, -Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.- He
said, -Yes, but not in a row.-

- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me, and I say, -Have you
got anything I'd like?- Then they ask me what size I
need, and I say, -Extra medium.-

- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced
it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, -Do I know
you?-

- I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people
who live above me are furious.

- On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the
rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a
cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles
per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long.-

- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, -Didn't you see the stop sign?- I said, -Yeah,
but I don't believe everything I read.-

- The judge asked, -What do you plead?- I said, -Insanity, your honor.
Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?-

- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When
I came back the entire area was missing.

- For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter...
no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post
and left it running. [Slow glance upward.]

- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because
that means it's going to be up all night.

- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My
dreams were broadcast all over the world.

- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
-Did you sleep good?- I said, -No, I made a few mistakes.-

- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so
I called information. She said, -Hello, Information.-
I said, -I can't find my socks.- She said, -They're
behind the couch.-

- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.
I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.
The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

- I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd
notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out
through the window.

- Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair,
and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards,
but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's
how I feel all the time.

- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a
poem about everything.

[BrilloPad]

An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife. They stay in a five-star hotel and hire a limo for the day. Whilst out driving along the road, his wife suddenly cries out: 'What on earth is that man doing with that kangaroo?'

The man replies: 'My God, darling don't look. It's disgusting.'

Further down the road, the wife says: 'Look, another one!'

'It's absolutely revolting,' the husband exclaims. 'I shall report this to the hotel manager.'

They arrive back at the hotel, only to find a man with a wooden leg pleasuring himself on the steps up to the entrance. The husband charges in and says to the manager: 'Look, we came here in good faith to stay in your five-star hotel, and what happens? We were happily driving down the road when we saw a man copulating with a kangaroo. Further on, we spied the same thing. Then we got back here to find a man with a wooden leg giving himself hand relief on the front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?

The manager says 'Strewth, mate, you wouldn't expect a man with a wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo would ya?'

[BrilloPad]

Geographic puns....
"I took my wife to the Caribbean last year"
"Jamaica?"
"No, she wanted to go"

"I went to see a local band last time I was in the Far East"
"Singapore?"
"Dreadful, but the guitarist was quite good"

Woman: "I went to Thailand on the hunt for men last year"
Friend: "Bangkok?"
Woman: "Yep, three times a night"

"I saw a man cr*pping in the river when I was in Russia"
"Volga?"
"Well it wasn't pleasant"

"On a trip round the Far East last year my wife fell down a volcano."
"Krakatoa?"
"No, she broke her leg."

"I drove to the Middle East last year."
"Iran?"
"Did you, is it not a bit too far to run?"

"My eastern european girlfriend dumped me last night."
"Ukraine?"
"Yeah, but I'm over it now."

"I was in Italy last week and met a friend of mine's cousin."
"Genoa?"
"No, that was the first time we'd met."

"I met this very tasty bird in this resort off the coast of India."
"Goa?"
"That's none of your business."

"I'm going to Scandinavia on holidays next week."
"Norway?"
"No, I'm deadly serious, great deals on the net."

"I've just been off on holiday to Indonesia with the wife."
"Jakarta?"
"No, we went by plane."

"I met a ladyboy in Thailand"
"Phuket?"
"Yeah, then we swapped round"

"I sh*gged this little minx of a french waitress in this city in Germany"
"Bonn?"
"er, oui, tres bien."

"I was watching an episode of South Park in the midlands last week."
"Kilkenny?"
"Yeh at the end of the episode...."

"I went to the Middle East and we had every type of weather you could
imagine"
"Bahrain?"
"No, we had that too"

"I went to the middle east and caught a cold, been coughing up gunk ever
since."
"Qatar?"
"No, phlegm mainly."

"I went to see a charity football match in the Middle East"
"Gaza Strip?"
"No but he flashed his a*se"

[BrilloPad]

Englishman, Scottishman and an Irishman all with stutters go into

>to a bar for a drink.



>The Englishman is first in the chair so goes up to the bar where

>there is an absolute drop dead gorgeous barmaid, who asks what he wants.



>'3 p p p p p p p p pints o o o o o of L L L L arger p p p p p p p

>please'

>

>She gets his drinks and the lads carry on stuttering amongst

>themslves at the bar, soon it's the Scottish guys round.

>

>'3 a p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p p of of of of of of

>pints of L L L L L L L L arger pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl please'

>

>She gets the pints and the lads continue to stutter among

>themselves but now a couple of beers inside them, they start to

>eye up the barmaid, the Irish guy beckons her over.

>

>' Thr thr thr thr thr thr three a p p p p p p p p p p pints of lar

>lar lar lar larger please'

>

>She grabs his drinks and he and his mates continue to stammer and

>stutter away to each other while drooling over the

>goddess behind the bar.

>

>By this time the barmaid has clocked the fact they are all eyeing

>her up and decides to have a bit of fun, she goes over

>and says to the guys

>

>'If you can tell me where your from without stuttering once, i'll

>take you upstairs and ride you into the ground'

>

>With that the english guy steps forward composes his self then

>'B B B Birmingham' he says 'Unlucky' she replies.

>

>'Your turn' she says pointing to the Scottish guy

>'G G Glasgow' he says 'Oh dear, never mind'.

>

>'Come on your go'

>the Irish guy steps up and says 'London'

>

>'Oh well done' she replies, 'deals a deal' and with that she grabs

> >his hand, drags him upstairs and strips off and starts to ride the

>Irish guy into the ground.

>

>After about five minutes of frantic sex the Irish guy suddenly says'

























' d d derry'

[BrilloPad]

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with
my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his
piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show
you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!