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    Mrs Cohen came home from her Sisterhood meeting at the synagogue. She was
    very excited, and explained to her husband that the guest at the meeting
    had been a wonderful hypnotist.

    Mr Cohen then mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday Maybe
    they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd. He talked it over
    with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea.

    After lots of publicising, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath. The
    hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. As the crowd observed, mesmerised, the
    hypnotist began, "Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch."

    The congregation carefully observed, their eyes following the sway of the
    watch. "Vatch the vatch," the hypnotist continued. Then, accidentally,
    the watch fell out of his hand.

    "Sh*t!" he cried.

    Took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue.

    Comment


      Becks runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to his
      bedroom to find Posh laid out naked across the bed huffing and
      puffing.

      Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"

      She stutters a reply, "I'm.. er, er.. I'm having a Heart attack".

      "Oh no" he cries in despair, "I'll call an ambulance..."

      He proceeds to leg it downstairs, picks up the phone and begins
      dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by Brooklyn
      who whispers into his ear, "Uncle Giggsy is in the Wardrobe with
      no clothes on, Daddy."

      Infuriated, he runs upstairs and pulls open the wardrobe. Sure
      enough, everyone's favourite carpet chested Welshman is stood
      there starkers.

      "You B@stard ..." screams Becks, "...my wife is right over there
      having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring
      Brooklyn."

      Comment


        A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy
        session with four young
        mothers and their small children.
        "You all have obsessions," he observed.
        To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with
        eating. You've even
        named your daughter Candy."
        He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is
        money. Again, it manifests
        itself in your child's name, Penny."
        He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is
        alcohol. Again, it manifests
        itself in your child's name, Brandi"
        At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her
        little boy by the hand and
        whispered,
        "Come on, Dick, let's go."

        Comment


          A teacher who went missing three years ago has been found in the attic
          of his school in Russia. Deputy headmaster Vassily Vorobyev stormed off
          in a rage when his boss called him 'an ignoramus', and never reappeared.
          He lived on canteen food and passed the time studying maths. He was
          found when he started a fire while cooking.


          An Oregon car dealer has been fined $80,000 for selling seven sports
          cars in a month to a 78-year-old Alzheimer's sufferer who doesn't drive.

          Jeremy Locock, 29, of Blandford, Dorset, was jailed for a month for
          swiping his probation officer's wallet as they discussed his community
          service.

          A Pittsburgh woman died after imagining she saw Jesus by the roadside,
          surrounded by angels ascending to heaven. Filled with religious rapture,
          she hurled herself out of the sun-roof of her husband's car. What she
          had actually seen was Ernie Jenkins on his way to a party dressed as
          Jesus. He had stopped by the side of the road when his disciples - 12
          helium-filled sex dolls - came loose from their moorings in his truck
          and started to drift off.

          Comment


            Originally posted by BrilloPad View Post
            A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy
            session with four young
            mothers and their small children.
            "You all have obsessions," he observed.
            To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with
            eating. You've even
            named your daughter Candy."
            He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is
            money. Again, it manifests
            itself in your child's name, Penny."
            He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is
            alcohol. Again, it manifests
            itself in your child's name, Brandi"
            At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her
            little boy by the hand and
            whispered,
            "Come on, Dick, let's go."
            That's a good 'un.

            I assume your mother was obsessed with cleaning pans.

            Comment


              Originally posted by BrilloPad View Post
              There are 10 types of people in the world.

              Those that understand binary and those that don't.
              Who 'ate' the rest?

              Comment


                Originally posted by Denny View Post
                That's a good 'un.

                I assume your mother was obsessed with cleaning pans.
                and your mother obsessed with food?

                Comment


                  BUSINESS PHILOSOPHY


                  SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

                  COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
                  milk.

                  FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

                  NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

                  BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
                  the other and then throws the milk away.

                  TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
                  Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
                  income.

                  SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
                  harmonica lessons.

                  AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
                  other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
                  analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

                  ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
                  your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
                  brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
                  associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
                  exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
                  transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
                  The public buys your bull.

                  FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a
                  riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.

                  JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
                  one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
                  milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

                  GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
                  live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

                  ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
                  are. You decide to have lunch.

                  RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you
                  have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

                  SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

                  CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
                  them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity,
                  and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

                  BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

                  IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
                  that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you
                  and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are
                  part of a Democracy.

                  WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
                  attractive.

                  AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
                  You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

                  Comment


                    There are 101 types of people in this world:

                    those who love binary,
                    those that hate binary,
                    those who don't watch television,
                    those who don't read,
                    those that don't read or watch television.

                    Comment


                      12 men?

                      12 men and 1 woman were Shipwrecked on a desert island.

                      Comment

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