Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I call my wife her indoors.
Because she looks like Jim Morrison.

[vetran]

I know we often confused black celebrities with each other but the Queen confusing Tiger Woods with Meghan Markle is a bit over the top.

[vetran]

Tiger actually crashed his car in the forest the day before, it just took them ages to find him.

Apparently they couldn't see the Woods for trees.

[vetran]

I was on a date last night. When the bill came, the lady said we should go Dutch.

So I sold her into the sex trade and went and rolled a joint

[vetran]

Some essential lifestyle information I have recently accumulated.

1. Sleeping burns about 23 calories per hour.
2. Thinking lewd thoughts burns about 30 calories per hour
3. A really vigorous sessions of wanking gives you a good cardio-vascular workout and can burn as much as 200 calories.
4. I am no longer welcome at the weight watcher’s classes.

[vetran]

What's brown & worth feck all?

Shamima Begum's passport.

[vetran]

Police in Middlesbrough have closed down a crack den that was so busy, customers had to form 2 queues.

They were actually aware of the drug dealing for years, but the matter became urgent when they realised people in the queues were only 1.5m apart.

[vetran]

Covid-19. Any Swedish mutation will be known as the " Greta"

[vetran]

BBC News: Lady Gaga’s dog walker, Ryan Fischer, has been shot and two of her French Bulldogs stolen. Lady Gaga has put up a reward for return of her dogs. Nothing mentioned about reward for any information leading to arrest of person who shot her dog walker.

The third dog ran away and was later recovered by police. So one dog ran and two surrendered. Too much French and not enough bulldog one suspects.

[vetran]

BBC News: Swampy leaves Euston tunnel and taken to hospital

If he has heart problems I really hope he needs a bypass.