Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I took the wife to a fairtrade market and a got an authentic coffee mug for her.


She'd have loved it.

[vetran]

Boris is to reintroduce the rule of six at the end of March. That gives me five weeks to find five friends

[vetran]

I said to the missus, "I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son."
She said, "It's natural."
"Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."

[vetran]

The mrs went to see her doctor and he asked her what's the problem? "I have a two green marks on the inside of my thighs"
The doctor examined her and said. "Does your husband have pierced ears?"
She said "Yes, why?"
He said, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[vetran]

“Power is not given to you, you have to take it” - Beyoncé

That's all very well you silly cow, but now the family of chavs next door is tapping into my electricity supply.

[vetran]

A space ship once landed behind my house and there was an alien inside that was shaking and jabbing himself with a hypodermic needle.

He said, "Take me to your dealer."

[vetran]

“Alexa, why do I do so terribly with women?”

“My name is Siri.”

[vetran]

My daughter has told me she's about to adopt a puppy and I asked her if she's thought at all about her plan for how it's going to get fed and taken care of, etc....

"Of course," she replied, "I'm going to do all the work for three days, and then lose interest and dump all the responsibility on to you."

[vetran]

Huge panic in Liverpool this evening. Scousers thought Boris said that, by July, every adult will be offered a job.

[vetran]

A gorgeous, big-titted blonde hopped in the back of my taxi.

"Where to love?" I enquired.

"How about your place." she purred.

"Okay," I replied, "that'll be about £23 though, it's quite far."