Please put more jokes here

[darmstadt]

> >A newly married wife says to her husband "I read a
> >report that 90% of men masturbate in the shower each
> >morning and the other 10% sing, what do you suppose
> >they sing about?" "I've no idea" replies the husband.
> >"Didn't think so" says the wife.

[darmstadt]

NEWS FLASH!!

Pretty young girl found dead in Broadstairs!

A young girl was found dead in a bath of milk. She had a banana up her fanny, raisins up her arse and was covered in cornflakes.
The police confirm they are looking for a cereal killer!

[darmstadt]

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
> Two men were talking.
> "So, how's your sex life?"
> "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
> "Social Security sex?"
> "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live
on!"
>
LOUD SEX:
> A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
> doctor.
> Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
> splitting
> yell."
> "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see
what
> the
> problem is."
> "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
>
QUIET SEX:
> Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife
> during
> a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have
an
> orgasm?"
> She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
>
CONFOUNDED SEX:
> A man was in a terrible accident, and his "ma! nhood" was mangled and
torn
> from
> his body.
> His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
> manhood,
> but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was
considered
> cosmetic.
> The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for
"medium,
> $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but
> the
> doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any
> decision.
> The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
> The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
dejected.
> "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
> The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
>
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
> A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
> wedding
> anniversary.
> The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
> 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
> "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
> 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
>
WOMEN's HUMOR:
> My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will
make
> you
> happy tonight."
> He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over
the
> doorknobs.
> He couldn't get back in.
>
> A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
> happiest
> woman in the world."
> The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

[darmstadt]

Tony Evans is a tosser and soon the whole country will know about it.
The
38 year old butcher from Rochdale has been filmed in action by cameras
from the 'Caught In The Act' TV show.

The show, which aims to catch people in their most private and
embarrassing moments struck paydirt when Tony's wife Mavis wrote to
them. Mavis explains: "I was getting a little puzzled about Thursday
nights. Out son Mark goes scouting on a Thursday and Tony and I stay in
and watch 'Top of the Pops'. Tony often gets a little randy watching
the show, especially if Shakira is on. I noticed that when this
started to happen he'd often give me a wink and ask me to go out and
make some tea, when I got back in he seemed all relaxed again. I got
confused about this so I wrote to 'Caught In The Act."

The TV show set up a hidden camera behind a rubber plant in the Evan's
home and waited for the next 'Top of the Pops.' As presenter Johnny
Jones explains they got some pretty exciting shots. "It went
perfectly,"
he says. "We knew Tony was getting excited because he kept commenting
on the girls around the presenters. Just before Jennifer Lopez came on
he
asked Mavis to make a cup of tea."

Johnny Jones doesn't want to talk too much about what happened next.
"I'd hate to spoil the surprise for our viewers. What I will say is
that when Mavis went out Tony slipped his hand inside his trousers,
the rest is simply great television! It should not be missed!"

So, how does Tony feel about being 'Caught in the Act'? He seems to be
taking it very well. "I was a bit miffed at first," he says, "I mean
who wouldn't be? You think you're safe in your own home and you can do
what you want. Still, I don't suppose I'm unique and I'll bet there
will
be lot's of blokes watching 'Caught in the Act' thinking 'thank
goodness
they didn't catch me'."

Tony is already taking a ribbing from the other staff at the butchers.
When he makes his TV appearance he thinks the rest of Rochdale will
have a go at him too. "You've just got to laugh," he says.
One thing has changed though. As Mavis explains, "The next time that
Tom Jones is on, Tony can go and make the tea."

[darmstadt]

Anti Valentine's Day Poetry

1.. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you because I was pissed

2.. I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

3.. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

4.. Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face

5.. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
this describes everything you're not

6.. I want to feel your sweet embrace,
but don't take that paper bag off your face

7.. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8.. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

9.. I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming

10.. My love you take my breath away,
What have you stepped in to smell this way

11.. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[darmstadt]

> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
> Doctor to come in.
> The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it
> Somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
> "Breast fed," she replied.
> "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
>
> He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while
> in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
>
> Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is
> underweight.
> You don't have any milk."
>
> I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

[darmstadt]

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree went off for the weekend.
It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street.
He was a Fishermans Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar.
He had a Rum and Butter.
She had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name. She said Polo, I'm the one with the hole.
But I'm the one with the Nuts he thought
Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in and went straight to the bedroom.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the
contrast of her Double Decker.
Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.
But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies,
So she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.
He was pleased as he had always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging.
It was a Magic Moment as she let out of scream of Turkish Delight.
When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted ! more but he decided to take a Time Out.
However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising.
So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert.
At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught VD
It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams.
She really had been with All Sorts!

[BrilloPad]

If the Dear Abby column was written for men:
(for those who dont know, Dear Abby is the most popular advice column in the world)


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me. What do you think I should do?

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you¹re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

*********************************
Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. What should I do?

A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

*********************************
Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. Is this acceptable?

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it¹s a great time to clean the house too) can! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

********************************
Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband doesn¹t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. Should I mention something to him?

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

A: I¹m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you¹ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[BrilloPad]

Redmond, WA - One of the most acclaimed features of the new Microsoft Windows XP release is its ability to enable users to fly without the aid of any mechanical assistance whatsoever. As the Microsoft commercials vividly display, users of XP can fly simply by spreading their arms. This is made possible by the new flight feature of Windows XP, called MSFlight. "The flight feature is something that we have been working on for some time," said Bill Gates, CSA of Microsoft. "Today's mobile executives need the ability to fly, and we feel that MSFlight's capabilities are far superior to those offered by Linux or Apple." However, as with many Microsoft releases, there have been some problems with the initial releases. Many users are saying that their flying experiences are very different from what is shown on the television commercials. One example is Martin Feinstein, of Syosset, NY After purchasing Windows XP, he activated the flying feature and immediately levitated in his living room. "At first, it was great, just like in the commercials" he said. However, Mr. Feinstein's computer locked up after only a few minutes, sending him crashing to he ground and fracturing his right clavicle. "My computer crashed, and so did I" said Mr. Feinstein, who purchase an Apple computer the next day. Another problem is XP's susceptibility to viruses. Janice O'Connor, of Anderson, North Carolina was ejected from her 14th floor apartment after opening an e-mail that contained a virus targeted at Windows XP. The virus, which contains a file aptly named "Flyme2th_moon.exe", initiates the MSFlight feature, adjusts the speed setting to maximum, and then shuts down the computer a few seconds later, ending the user's flight capabilities. Witnesses said that Ms. O'Connor was hurdled through her apartment's balcony plate glass window and flew approximately 200 yards at that altitude before plummeting to her death. "This certainly gives new meaning to the term 'fatal exception'", said her cousin, Rita O'Reardon, who was injured after opening the virus in an e-mail from Ms. O'Connor and being thrown against her bedroom wall. Apparently the virus uses Microsoft Outlook to e-mail copies of itself to everyone in the victim's contacts list. More than 100 people in O'Connor's contacts list were sent the virus, but only 3, who had purchased Windows XP, were injured. Local Police Chief Clem Waters said, "It is fortunate that sales of XP have been so slow, or this event could have been much worse." Another Windows XP user flew a little too well. Amy Branston of San Francisco was last seen ascending straight up at an amazing speed, and was tracked by NASA radar moving away from the earth at over 28,000 miles per hour. According to her husband, she had just installed Windows XP, and thought that the MSFlight feature was a flight simulator game. "She turned on the MSFlight feature, and shot up like a rocket," he told BB Spot reporters. Apparently, a glitch in the Windows XP software was responsible for propelling her into outer space. Microsoft officials have commented that Windows XP is not capable of accelerating users to orbital velocity unless they have installed an unlicensed copy of the software. NASA officials are very concerned about the potential for Microsoft to introduce its customers into an already crowded orbital space. Mr. Hal Clarke, Director of Space Junk for NASA says, "There are tens of thousands of objects already floating in earth orbit, and it is difficult enough to track them now" said Mr. Clarke. "If we're going to have hundreds or thousands of Microsoft users floating around up there, it's going to get pretty messy. It's not just the bodies we're worried about. We have calculated that collisions will produce significant fragmentation, with huge numbers of arms, legs, and other parts." NASA is already contemplating fitting its space shuttles with windshield wipers to help clean off blood and other bodily fluids from collisions with orbiting Microsoft XP users. The FAA is also concerned about the potential for traffic problems in commercial air space. "If there are going to be thousands of Microsoft XP users flying around in the air, we're going to have a traffic control nightmare on our hands," said FAA spokesman Norman Krazowski. "They are all going to have to file flight plans, and carry anti-collision transponders and flight data recorders just like airplanes. Also, randomly-selected XP users will be selected and required to carry an undercover Air Marshall with them." Microsoft has responded to the FAA by saying that any undercover Air Marshals attached to any flying XP users will also have to purchase a licensed copy of Microsoft XP. Mr. Gates has stressed the safety of Windows XP, noting that it is far more stable than previous versions of Windows. "I can understand why people would have been hesitant to trust their lives to previous versions of Windows, but XP is far more stable, and users can feel completely secure flying at any altitude while using XP." When asked by a reporter why he chose to arrive in a limousine rather than use the flight feature of Windows XP, Mr. Gates declined to comment.

[BrilloPad]

Bad Day For all of you who think their job is tough, take a look at the below..... Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one). Anyway, anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy. April 1998

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened, I must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wet suit. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of tulip sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't tulip for two days because my ass hole was swollen shut. Anyway the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.