Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

These are things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth
Q: What year?
A: Every year


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks


Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?


Q: How old is your son - the one living with you
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning:
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan


Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500


Q: Sir, what is your I.Q.?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think


Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or
occult?
A: We both do
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do?
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo


Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

[BrilloPad]

"Love is to stay awake all the night with a sick child.
Or with a very healthy adult."

[BrilloPad]

The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929. "7" was selected because the original
containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's
sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a
toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.---------- I am
moving my toothbrush NOW.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

American car horns beep in the tone of F.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles
the company once had.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. (HOW ABOUT THAT??)

Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked
out of it by her doctor.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing
them in public.

The sound of ET walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head
like this before.

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have
the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King, 3/8/90

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that
1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. -- Jay Leno

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
-- Abraham Maslow

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English
Professor, Ohio University

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly
colored machine tools.

Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great
force. -- Dorothy Parker

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking
zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs."
-- Robert Firth

[BrilloPad]

Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a
'do it yourself' thing.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If God had meant for us to use metrics, he would have
given us 10 fingers... oh...

If...you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning.

"Welcome to the First Church of Appliantology!" -- L. Ron Hoover

"Education is expensive, Ignorance costs more!"

[BrilloPad]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: To get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day
the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good, " said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market We had a dozen eggs one
time,but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to
this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Nora. Aunt Nora
was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got shot sown. She
had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of
them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed
twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed
seven with her bare hands, and the last three she bit their testicles off,
and let them bleed to death."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Aunt Nora when she's been drinking."

[BrilloPad]

Love: The delusion that one woman differs from another.
(Mark Twain)

[BrilloPad]

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
(Groucho Marx)

[BrilloPad]

2 Scousers riding along the M62 on a motorbike. They break down and start
hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the
scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon
as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike
for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting
on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to
leave.

"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that
he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put
it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take
them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time
he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod pulls him
up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to
which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this
so wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his
radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched
and the b@$!%*%ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".

[BrilloPad]

How many animals can you fit into a pair of Tights?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an
unknown number of hares and a fish no one can find.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the
park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.

"What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 meters
from here!"

The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you think I have, a hose?"

[BrilloPad]

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the
worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can
only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His
search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to
retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends
would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by
nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a
duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however,
did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird,
never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each
time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to
retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single
word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."