Please put more jokes here

[Let-Me-In]

The Atheist

An atheist was walking through the woods... when he stopped and thought: "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
Then, as he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him! He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He ran faster when he looked over his shoulder again, and saw that the bear was even closer! He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him... reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped!
The bear froze...
And the forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky...
"You deny my existence for all these years... and try to teach others I don't exist... and even credit creation to a cosmic accident? Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the ligh t, "Well, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now... but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said God.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed...
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[EternalOptimist]

A female athlete is preparing for the Olympics. She goes to the coach and complains about the tablets he is making her take.

'They are causing hair to grow on my breasts'

'Ah whats the problem, a little bit of downy hair. everyone has a few little hairs'

'They are not downy and they are not little and they are not a few'

'Well exactly how much is there ?'

'They grow all the way down to my balls, and thats soemthing else I want to talk to you about'

[Colemanisor]

A Toast to Robbie Burns

‘Twas doon by the inch o’ Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim bassa
Wiz doin what he’d planned
And intae Glesca’s departure hall
A Cherokee he’d rammed.

A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht “a wumman driver”
Or at least someone half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda’s band

The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel’ on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that’s no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.

Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort’s nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae F***

[Diver]

Windows Vista

[Colemanisor]

Harry Potter

These Harry Potter films are ok but I think they're a bit far fetched - Its not the wizards,witches or even the flying brooms I can't get my head around but a Ginger kid with TWO mates ?? Cmon

[Let-Me-In]

These Harry Potter films are ok but I think they're a bit far fetched - Its not the wizards,witches or even the flying brooms I can't get my head around but a Ginger kid with TWO mates ?? Cmon

At least it is "based" on a true story!! Ok, apart from the ginger...

[Let-Me-In]

I was in the pub the other day and this woman came in and said she had been graped.

I said "what the fook you on about love?"

She said "well, there was a bunch of them"



IGMC

[Colemanisor]

Flowers

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the a**hole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

Her friend promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”

[ChimpMaster]

So I parked my big 4x4 V8 in the disabled parking bay at Tesco. Some do-gooder shouted "Oi, what's your disability then mate?!".

I shouted "Tourettes you f**kin w*nker, now f**k off *****!".

[Colemanisor]

Fishing

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all tulipty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either