Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

cccThe Day is now divided into two halves...
First half Caffeine.
Second half Alcohol.
There are no other rules.The Day is now divided into two halves...First half Caffeine.Second half Alcohol.There are no other rules.

The Day is now divided into two halves...First half Caffeine.Second half Alcohol.There are no other rules.The Day is now divided into two halves...First half Caffeine.Second half Alcohol.There are no other rules.

[vetran]

for NLUK

Meatloaf is getting married again. He's engaged to his accountant.


Apparently she'll do anything for love, but she won't do VAT.

[vetran]

for WTFH

I can't believe I'm in isolation with this coronavirus, and to make matters worse, my wife has just told me she's pregnant.



So be careful fella's, this virus obviously reverses the effect of a vasectomy.

[vetran]

This keeping two metres apart is absolutely ridiculous.

I've just moved the electric meter away from the gas meter and now I've got no ******* power.

[LondonManc]

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out.

She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.

They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his cock points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[BrilloPad]

BabyBP lost a tooth yesterday. I saved myself £2. I told him the tooth fairy was not allowed in due to social distancing....

[amypang]

Sugar

Teacher - Children, tell me a sentence putting word "Sugar"

Student - I had a cup of tea in the morning

Teacher - Well, Where is the "Sugar"

Studen - In the cup of tea...

[BrilloPad]

I have been off work so long I have started to develop a scouse accent.

[vetran]

They say you cant fix stupid.

It seems you can't quarantine it either.

[LondonManc]

My mate wasn't well so they stuck him on one of those ventilators made by the Mercedes F1 Team. He's feeling much better neeeeow.