Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

ME: Dial 999. Police, please

POLICE: Police

ME: Hi. Two hooded men are robbing my shed.

POLICE: Sorry, we have no resources. There's nothing we can do.

ME: They are standing less than 1 metre apart.

POLICE: Keep them there - we'll be there in 5.

[vetran]

Almost 2 weeks in quarantine and everything was fine until today.


The wife decided to start speaking to me again.

[vetran]

Keyworker (noun), definition:

A person whose work is overlooked and undervalued, until the tulip hits the fan.

[vetran]

I shouted through the letter box, "Thanks for the groceries, just leave em on the doormat."

Wife.. "Just let me in the ******* house Dave."

[vetran]

Yesterday, the French authorities deployed the military to supermarkets, in order to keep them secure and ensure social distancing is being respected.


However, after one old lady coughed, the armed forces have capitulated and are now negotiating terms of surrender with the shoppers.

[vetran]

Driving down a country lane today I came across an elderly lady struggling with some heavy shopping bags.
"Can I give you a lift?" I asked opening the passenger door.
Climbing in she started, "you have sanitized your hands? And my seat? And what about the dashboard?"
"Look love!" I said. "If you're going to be like that you'd better get out and bloody walk!"
"That's just what my husband said a few minutes ago."

[vetran]

I went to visit my mum last night, we were watching, 'Who are you calling fat?' on BBC One,
I said, "That reminds me, mum, our Sue has been on a diet this week,
she wants to come and use your scales."
"That's okay," She said, "Do you think she'll be round in the morning?"
"Yeah, I guess so," I replied, "you can't lose weight that fast."

[BrilloPad]

This lockdown is going very slowly, especially with my wife’s obsession with playing Sinead O’Connor records all the time...

It’s been seven hours and fifteen days...

[ladymuck]

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

[ladymuck]

My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”