Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Music bosses have unveiled a revolutionary new recording format that they
hope will help win the war on illegal file sharing which is thought to be
costing the industry millions of dollars in lost revenue.

Nicknamed the 'Record', the new format takes the form of a black, vinyl
disc measuring 12 inches in diameter, which must be played on a specially
designed 'turntable'.

"We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the world can
access the data on this disc," said spokesman Brett Campbell. "We are
also confident that no-one is going to be able to produce pirate copies in
this format without going to a heck of a lot of trouble. This is without
doubt the best anti-piracy invention the music industry has ever seen."

As part of the invention's rigorous testing process, the designers gave
some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who regularly use file
swapping software such as Limewire and gnutella and who admit to pirating
music CDs. Despite several days of trying, none of them were able to hack
into the disc's code or access any of the music files contained within
it.

"It's like, really big and stuff," said Doug Flamboise, one of the
testers. "I couldn't get it into any of my drives. I mean, what format is
it? Is it, like, from France or something?"


In the new format, raw audio data in the form of music is encoded by
physically etching grooves onto the vinyl disc. The sound is thus
translated into variations on the disc's surface in a process that
industry insiders are describing as 'completely revolutionary' and
'stunningly clever.'

To decode the data stored on the disc, the listener must use a special
player which contains a 'needle' that runs along the grooves on the record
surface, reading the indentations and transforming the movements back into
audio that can be fed through loudspeakers.

Even Shawn Fanning, the man who invented Napster, admits the new format
will make file swapping much more difficult. "I've never seen anything
like this," he told reporters. "How does it work?"

Final note: As rumours that a Taiwanese company has been secretly
developing a 12 inch wide, turntable -driven, needle-based, firewire drive
remain unconfirmed, it would appear that the music industry may, at last,
have found the pirate-proof format it has long been searching for.

[BrilloPad]

Did you hear about the lorry driver who hit a cat which had dashed across the
road. He got out to see if he could aid the unfortunate animal and to his
distress found a cat writhing about on the verge. Knowing it would never
survive a trip to the vet he did the most humane thing he could think of
and dispatched it with a single blow from a shovel. Halfway up the M1 he
was pulled over by the police. An old lady had let Tiddles out to roll
about in the grass when a nasty cat-hating lorry driver stopped and
attacked Tiddles with a shovel then drove off. When the driver checked his
wheel arches he found the sorry remains of the real accident victim.

A Norfolk haulage firm has a colony of ratters. The cats liked to snuggle
up against the warm tyres of the returning lorries and frequently
sustained crushed paws or tails if the vehicles moved. An arrangement with
the local vet meant that drivers could whisk an injured cat to the vets.
When one driver duly reported an accident, the boss asked if he had taken
"Fang" to the vets. "Oh yes, but the vet wasn't in," the driver replied "So
I slipped him under the door with a note."

[BrilloPad]

A burglar fled after 87-year-old Cecily Almond hit him on the head with her
walking stick after chasing him downstairs on her electric stair lift in
Leyland, Lancashire, reports The Sun.

Angelica Flores and her husband were arrested, handcuffed and jailed for
failing to take down the Christmas lights on their Arizona home by the
local council deadline.

A pensioner is facing jail in Romania after falling asleep while listening
to a telephone sex line. Constantin Luican ran up a bill of £950 ?
equivalent to a year's pay in Romania. He said: "It was boring."

A man charged with growing cannabis at his home in Ashland, Oregon, has
escaped jail because he kept the plants in such poor condition. Lavon
Atchley, 44, faced a maximum of 20 years in prison for growing three
marijuana plants, but escaped with a year's probation and a $500 fine. "He
was almost embarrassed to admit they were his," said his defence lawyer
Herbert Putney.

Michael Marcum, 21, has been found guilty of stealing six 350-pound
electrical transformers from a power company in Stanberry, Missouri. He
wanted to build a time machine so he could transport himself a few days
into the future, learn the winning lottery numbers, and return to buy the
right tickets.

A man who took off his shoes in a Dutch library has been charged with
disturbing the peace because his socks were so smelly. He had already been
banned from the library at the university in Delft after previous
incidents. A spokesman said: "We've been trying for more than a year to
sort out the situation and talk with the man. The moment he starts to take
off his shoes, nearly all our visitors leave."

Toads are safely back on the path to love after a special ramp was built to
help them cross a busy road to their breeding pond in Shaldon, Devon,
southwest England. Wildlife experts and the local council brought in metal
ramps to help the frogs up a high curb at the side of the road. "Every
February the toads return to breed at the pond where they were hatched, but
to do so they have to cross quite a busy road," Stewart Muir, director of
ecological group Shaldon Wildlife Trust, told Reuters. "Before we had about
200 killed each year, but this time we have had very few fatalities."

A councillor is calling for all new houses in Erie, Pennsylvania, to be
built with front porches because he says that will encourage neighbours to
chat. But one local builder says: "We have enough regulations as it is."

Hundreds of car registration plates have been recalled because they begin
with "PO0" ? PO for Preston followed by the year "02". A spokesman for the
DVLA says that the number plates have been withdrawn after objections from
members of the public. "The agency has always withheld registration marks
with combinations of letters that are likely to cause widespread offence,"
he added.

The 2002 Winter Olympics has brought visitors from many lands to Salt Lake
City, Utah, personifying the slogan seen often on buildings and signs all
over town: "The World is Welcome Here". Victoria Liljenquist is hoping
that city officials aren't taking that too literally, because she's invited
some guests from off the planet, and they're expected to arrive this
Thursday. An Intergalactic Delegation is scheduled to visit, and Victoria
hopes they'll be greeted warmly. In an interview with Reuters, she
announced that "The Brotherhood of Light" would make their presence known
on Thursday, February 21 "over the Olympic City", adding that she hopes the
weather is clear so that people can get a proper view. She's even pinned
them down to a time frame-they are expected between noon and five p.m. What
security clearance she has arranged with the military patrolling the skies
above Utah is unknown at this time.

Japan's airport authorities said on Thursday they planned to conceal with
green paint and camouflage netting a defunct part of a new runway at
Tokyo's Narita international airport in a bid to keep aircraft from landing
there by mistake. The New Tokyo International Airport Authority got into
its pickle when local farmers refused to sell tracts of land located at
what would have been the centre of a planned 2,500-yard runway, but because
construction had already begun on either side of the disputed land, it was
forced to lengthen the northern strip by 800 yards and abandon the other.
That left a 430-yard-long section of unusable runway -- too short for a
plane to land on safely. "It would be a huge problem if an airplane landed
in the unused section of the runway," the spokesman said.

[BrilloPad]

An 85 - year- old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the
jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this.

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We
even called up Eileen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't
get that damn jar open!"

[BrilloPad]

Fire-fighters had to wear special suits to deal with a brown sauce spillage
at a California factory. Staff at the Jenkins Sauces plant had to be
evacuated after a pint of pure brown sauce was spilt. It melted a worker's
shoes before fire-fighters absorbed it with sand.

A Chinese man who has devoted the past 20 years to exercising his eyelids
claims they are now strong enough to pull a car. Wang Chuntai reportedly
pulled a 1.5-ton Volkswagen a distance of 14.5m using two z-shaped hooks
inserted into his lower lids and attached to the car with a rope.

Dancers in skimpy skirts and thigh-high boots have been sent off by a
local soccer club after complaints from the Football Association of
Singapore (FAS) that the half-time show was a bit too racy. The
association, which oversees the city state's professional S-League, wrote
to the Woodlands Wellington club to say routines by the two performers
last Friday may not have been wholesome family viewing, the Straits Times
newspaper reported Wednesday. "We had some complaints from parents," FAS
director of competitions Quah Kim Song told the paper. "Instead of
dancers, wouldn't it have been better to bring in some jugglers?"

A Texas nurse's aide faces murder charges after hitting a man as she drove
and then letting him bleed to death over two to three days while he was
trapped in her car's windshield. Gregory Glen Biggs, 37, was hurled
headfirst through the windshield by the impact, his broken legs lying
across the car's hood. Chante Mallard told investigators she panicked
after hitting the man on a Fort Worth highway near her home one night last
October. She drove to her house, parked the car in her garage and ignored
his pleas for help, police said.

City councillors in Vienna have introduced a set of laws to protect
wildlife. It is illegal to cast fishing lines from moving airplanes and to
hunt deer by blowing them up with explosives.

Finnish twin brothers, aged 71, were killed in identical bicycle accidents
along the same road two hours apart, police said Wednesday. "This is
simply a historic coincidence. Although the road is a busy one, accidents
don't occur every day," police officer Marja-Leena Huhtala said. "It came
to mind that perhaps someone from upstairs had a say in this," she said.
One twin was hit by a truck and killed while out cycling early Tuesday on
the west coast of Finland. Before police had identified the body and
informed family members, his brother was killed on his bicycle by a second
truck a half-mile down the road.

A warrant has been issued for the arrest of a man who telephoned to say he
couldn't appear before magistrates in Blackburn, Lancashire, because his
grandfather was ill. Court officials realised that he had missed a
previous hearing after saying that his grandfather had died.

A judge has banned Edward Bello from watching television for 10 months.
Bello, 60, was sentenced to home detention for credit card fraud and now
faces a year in jail if he is caught watching the news or checking the
weather forecast. A New York judge told him: "It is important that you
have ample opportunity to reflect on the ways of your life."

A German court ordered a church in Aschaffenburg (near Frankfurt) on
Thursday to ring its bells more softly or pay to sound-proof neighbouring
homes. The court found the Protestant church had built its bell tower 13
feet closer to the houses than foreseen in plans approved by the local
authority.

A thief who stole a bus in Blackwood, south Wales, continued along its
normal route and picked up 100 passengers. He spent more than two hours in
the bus which he took from outside the bus station in the town, near
Caerphilly before fleeing with £150 takings.

[BrilloPad]

Ten Best Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about
in that time management course you sent me to.

Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You
probably got here just in time!

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?

Someone spiked the coffee machine.

..in the name of Jesus...Amen

Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk...Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out
a solution to our biggest problem.

[BrilloPad]

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job it was to
process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to
his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy,
better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read,


"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which
was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter,
and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I
have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope. Can you please help me?"


The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all
the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars,
which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the
day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had
done.


Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the
old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was
opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for
me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was probably those
thieving bastards at the post office."

[BrilloPad]

Children Don't you just love'em

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a dead cat. She asked,
"How do you know that it was dead?"
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake Dylan,
come in or stay out!'"

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come
forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as
she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it
your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a
bitch is
nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

[BrilloPad]

So Princess Margaret's final wish came true...
...she got to spend Easter with her mum.

[BrilloPad]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite
blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman
notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Sir, did you call for
me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new
here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it
implies you called for me."
Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with
her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese, hairy
man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the
hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new
here," says the hairy man, "it's a rule here that if you fart, it implies
that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him
over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the
colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you?"
she says. The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key
back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies,
"you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to
see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old;
I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."