• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    > Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
    > A: They are easier to amuse.
    >
    > Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
    > A: A golden retriever.
    >
    > Q: Why were blondes created?
    > A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

    Comment


      > "Interspecies Communication Problems"
      > What A Woman Says:
      > "This place is a mess! C'mon,
      > You and I need to clean up.
      > Your stuff is lying on the floor,
      > and you'll have no clothes to wear
      > if we don't do laundry right now!"
      >
      > What A Man Hears:
      > blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
      > YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
      > blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
      > blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
      > blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

      Comment


        Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That
        way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.
        It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

        It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and
        there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says
        "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week
        to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

        A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his
        boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this
        idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope . . .
        Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

        I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There
        was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test
        it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They
        want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts
        when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna
        lose it."

        Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
        side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck,
        looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist and
        said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right
        up on me. Here's your sign."

        We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the
        house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
        house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe,
        then
        says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have
        stopped him.

        I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you
        know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I
        couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and
        eventually a
        local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic
        questioning..ok..no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a
        sign......until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help
        myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and
        said "No, I'm delivering a bridge...Here's your sign."

        I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are
        you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your
        sign."

        Anybody you know need a sign today?

        Comment


          An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints
          of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
          out of each one in turn.

          When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders
          three more.

          The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pints
          goes flat after I draw it, would taste better if you bought
          one at a time."

          The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
          One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in
          Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink
          this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink
          one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

          The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves
          it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and
          always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks
          them in turn.

          One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
          regulars take notice and fall silent.

          When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
          bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
          I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

          The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light
          dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just
          fine," He explains. "It's just that me wife had us join
          that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

          Hasn't affected me brothers though.

          Comment


            DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

            1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

            2. Blaming your farts on me... unfair!

            3. Yelling at me for barking...
            I'M A DOG YOU IDIOT!!

            4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything
            while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little
            like cat behind?)

            5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's
            walk is this anyway?

            6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

            7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet.
            Why'd you buy carpet?

            8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I
            haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

            9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,
            you're just jealous.

            10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

            11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
            your sh1t up when you're not home.

            12. When you pick up the turd piles in the yard. Do you realise how far
            behind schedule that puts me?

            13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I
            freak out every time we go back.

            14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud
            moment for the top of the food chain.

            15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge,
            dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

            Comment


              For his birthday Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said,
              "Son, we'd love to give you a bicycle, but the mortgage on this house is
              £120,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
              The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a
              suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny told him, "I
              was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were
              pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And
              I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an £120,000
              mortgage and no transportation."

              Comment


                Extract from Health Authority memo.......

                ......the long term implications of the use of drugs and procedures must
                be fully considered. Over the last few years more money has been spent on
                breast implants and Viagra than has been spent on Alzheimers Disease
                research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large
                number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who
                can't remember what to do with them.

                Comment


                  ===
                  COURT DOCKET - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

                  A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus.
                  She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
                  She immediately moved to another seat.

                  This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
                  again. The man seemed more amused. When, on the
                  fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
                  to the driver and he had the man arrested.

                  The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
                  (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
                  The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this..
                  When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help
                  but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that
                  said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I
                  grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that
                  said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling",
                  and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
                  sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick",
                  and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honour,
                  when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
                  that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented
                  this Accident"... I just lost it.

                  Comment


                    A German desperate to relieve himself for two hours on a packed but
                    toiletless Frankfurt to Dresden train won $270 compensation from Deutsche
                    Bahn (Germany Railways) for what a Frankfurt court called his torture.
                    All the toilets on the were locked because there was no water for
                    flushing.

                    A man from Last Chance, Texas, who was diagnosed with a fatal brain tumour
                    decided to finish it quickly by shooting himself in the head. A friend
                    found him lying in a pool of blood and called an ambulance. Not only has
                    he recovered from his injury, but doctors say that he will now lead a
                    normal life, having shot the tumour right out of his brain.

                    A new law dictating that military officers must have a driver's license
                    should be overturned, according to a Swedish navy captain who says it is
                    senseless and threatens naval recruitment. "There are very few traffic
                    signs below sea level," Captain Leif Carlsson told the regional daily
                    Blekinge Lans Tidning which revealed four submarine officer cadets may
                    fail their final exams because they do not have a driver's license.

                    Robert Pettyjohn was sentenced to five years in prison on Friday in
                    Florida after he pleaded guilty to killing one llama and attacking another
                    with a golf club last year. He is already serving a three-year sentence
                    for killing a bull with a bow and arrow in a separate attack. The llama
                    that survived lost an eye.

                    The entrepreneurial spirit obviously runs strong in former Enron Corp.
                    Chairman Ken Lay's family. Lay's wife Linda and her daughter Robin are
                    opening a second-hand store to shed extraneous possessions from several of
                    the million-dollar vacation homes they were forced to sell because of
                    Enron's record bankruptcy. Dubbed Jus' Stuff, Linda Lay's boutique will
                    peddle used and new furnishings, many from the Lays' multiple luxury homes
                    in Aspen, Colorado, and Galveston, Texas, family spokeswoman Kelly
                    Kimberly said.

                    Disappointed with the loot they found in the safe at a Starbucks coffee
                    shop in Monroe, Washington, on Tuesday, armed bandits resorted to serving
                    lattes and cappuccinos at the drive-thru window to beef up their booty
                    with customer cash, police said.

                    A Manhattan cooperative housing board at 180 West End Avenue near Lincoln
                    Center has become the first operator of a large complex to bar new owners
                    from smoking in their own apartments, a move lawyers predicted will be
                    challenged in court.

                    Dudu Miah, a Bangladeshi snake charmer, called in to find two serpents in
                    a suburban home near the capital unearthed over 3,500 young cobras and
                    hundreds of eggs at two houses in Narayanganj near Dhaka. The find
                    triggered panic among neighbours who fled their homes, police said.

                    A controversial California bill aimed to slim down overweight children by
                    slapping a new 2 cent per can tax on popular soft drinks fizzled after
                    receiving a lacklustre response from lawmakers.


                    Braving a chilly morning and scores of giggling onlookers, more than 1,000
                    people stripped naked in three locations around Sao Paulo's central
                    Ibirapuera park to pose for a series of mass nude photographs by New
                    York-based artist Spencer Tunick. His last project was called "Naked
                    States" and involved similar photographs in all 50 U.S. states. "This is
                    the end of a journey. I was just in Antarctica photographing nudes and now
                    I'm in Sao Paulo," Tunick told reporters after the shoot.

                    Comment


                      Why does Victoria Beckham shave David's head?
                      Someone told her her sex life would improve if she shaved her twat.

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X