Please put more jokes here

[JHadd]

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

[BrilloPad]

Me and MrsBP have been married so long she can finish my sentences.

She also starts most of them. And fills in the middle bits too.

[JHadd]

Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “

Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

[shaunbhoy]

Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.

Fortunately none of them can read a map.

[BR14]

So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:
"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge builder"? No! And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me "McGregor the pier builder"? No!"
The old guy looks around, and makes sure that nobody is listening, and leans to the man, and he says:
"but you shag one sheep..."

[JHadd]

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

[LondonManc]

I've wanted to have a baby for about three years. Unfortunately my wife insists that we keep it forever.

[shaunbhoy]

PARENTS. Avoid morning battles to get the kids up by simply kicking open their bedroom door & shouting "He's been! He's been!"

[shaunbhoy]

Nothing says “I just couldn’t be bloody bothered” better than a gift card.

[BR14]

Nothing says “I just couldn’t be bloody bothered” better than a gift card.

very true, - 'nothing' says it better