Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A Committee composed of Senators Daschle, Clinton, and Feinstein have announced that the rescue of the Pennsylvania coal miners has been repealed, and the miners will, by recommendation of the Committee, be placed back in the mine. The Senators noted the following violations in the rescue process:

10. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without concern for possible air pollution.

9. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if it was polluted, or providing an environmentally safe catchment area for the water.

8. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue, without first performing an Environmental Impact study.

7. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity of the rescue workers.

6. The Governor of Pennsylvania was heard to "Thank God" during a live television broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation of church and state.

5. Several people at this public, government supported, rescue mentioned praying.

4. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross section of American society.

3. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not given sufficient time to make speeches at the site.

2. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether or not any Republican office holder owned stock in the coal company, thus being responsible for the conspiracy that caused the mine to flood.

And Number 1: No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine rescues.

"Once a diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water will be returned to the mine, and the rescue will then be undertaken again, in an environmentally and politically correct manner", the Committee noted.

[BrilloPad]

Sky has just won the rights to screen the World Origami Championships from
Tokyo.

Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.

It was going to be available on ITV-Digital, but that folded.

[BrilloPad]

User Name Posts
BrilloPad 254
Colemanisor 34
Money Money Money 20
TazMaN 18
richard-af 18
TheFaQQer 18
Swiss Tony 16
FiveTimes 14

Aren't I doing well...

[BrilloPad]

Meanwhile, somewhere in Eastern Europe...
On the border of Russia and Poland there's a small forest. Half
of the forest belongs to a Russian farmer, while the other half
belongs to a Polish man.

One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Russian man comes
across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and
calls his Polish neighbour.

"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the
forest."

"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Polish farmer
asked.

"Well," the Russian replied, "he's already chewed off three of
his legs and he's still trapped."

[BrilloPad]

> My wife went to a very bad concert in south-east Asia.
> Singapore?
> Terrible. And the rest of the band were rubbish too.
>
> Two men are walking through a graveyard with their dogs.
> One man turns to the other and says: "Morning."
> The other man replies: "No, just walking the dog."
>
> "My new girlfriend is from Middlesex."
> "Feltham?"
> "No, we haven't even held hands yet."
>
> I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
> fast one".
>
> So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
> "Eurostar?"
> I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Robert Deniro".
>
> So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
> He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
>
> So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a check
> tablecloth.
> It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
> He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
> condiment".
>
> Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,
> he's bisatchel.
>
> But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
> myself in a small suitcase.
> I can hardly contain myself.
>
> So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants; it was
> Weggie Kray.
>
> So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said,
> "Nearest to bull starts".
> He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
>
> You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.
> I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
>
> The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
> said
> "Do you get my drift?".
>
> So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
> this vinegar's got lumps in it". He said "Those are pickled onions".
>
> So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
> rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked
> for a-ROMATIC duck".
>
> But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
> competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
>
> Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril? It
> will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
>
> So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
> cleaning your carpets?".
> I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
>
> You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
> converter.
>
> So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller".
> He said "Not you again".
>
> Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
> even he's a witch.
>
> So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
> said "Are you two an item?".
>
> So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
> thought "That's a turtle disaster".
>

[BrilloPad]

A young couple in Alabama decide to adopt a little Chinese boy, and then they
decide to learn Chinese. "But, Chinese is very difficult for Americans to
learn," says the Chinese professor. "Why do you want to learn Chinese?"
"Well, you see," explains the wife, "we're adopting a Chinese baby. He's
already one year old and is going to be talking soon. We'd like to be able to
understand what he's going to say."

[BrilloPad]

God is telling his friend a story: "One day, Cohen and Levine were
going--" "Cohen and Levine, Cohen and Levine," the friend stops him
angrily."Why are your jokes always about Jews? Why don't you tell them
about the Chinese for once?"

God is taken aback. "You're right," he says. "One day, Soo Lung Mu and Mao
Tsu Nu were going to Soo Lung Mu's nephew's Bar Mitzvah....."

[BrilloPad]

A lumber jack was rushed to the hospital after cutting himself badly.
The doctor told the nurse to prepare a dose of pain killer.
"Don't bother Doc, " said the man. "I've been through a lot worse."
"More painful than this?" the doctor asked.
"I'll tell you about the second most painful accident I ever had. I was
working in the woods one day and had to take a tulip so I dropped my pants
and squatted down without looking. I tripped a bear trap and BAM, the
thing snapped shut on my balls!"
The doctor(as well as ever guy reading this) winced and said "That's
terrible. But if that's only the second, what could be worse?"
The lumber jack replied, "When I jumped up, started to run and came to
the end of that chain!"

[BrilloPad]

Have you heard about the new web site for people with dyslexia? It's
com.dyslexia.www.

[BrilloPad]

David and Victoria Beckham are please to announce the arrival of their
baby boy, Romeo- apparently named because he was conceived in the back of
the Alfa.
...And what was that surgical bandage the Beckham was wearing on TV last
night?
It's an elastic bandage to prevent his head from swelling.