Please put more jokes here

[AtW]

Did you object to a joke?

What joke?

[TheFaQQer]

I try to focus on quality of my posts, rather than their quantity.

ATW

AtW

[KathyWoolfe]

A woman spies her neighbours little girl filling in a large hole in the garden next door.
"What are you doing?" the neighbour asks.
"My goldfish has died and I'm burying it" the little girl replies.
"That hole's a bit big for a little goldfish isn't it?" says the neighbour.
"Yeah" replies the little girl, "but he's inside your cat".

[BrilloPad]

What joke?

why did you post "I try to focus on quality of my posts, rather than their quantity." can you elucidate? was there a particular joke you objected to?

[BrilloPad]

I have 25% of the posts on this thread...

BrilloPad 122
Colemanisor 34
Money Money Money 20
TazMaN 18
richard-af 18
TheFaQQer 18
Swiss Tony 16
FiveTimes 14
wobbegong 13
daviejones 11
zeitghost 11

[BrilloPad]

http://news.hereisthecity.com/news/b...ews/7369.cntns

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag.



Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


What do accountants use for birth control?

Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?

A porcupine has the pr.cks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

'Are you sure it's mine ?'.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO'!

[oracleslave]

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through, she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replied "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

[BrilloPad]

Subject: The Demerit Point System explained

This may shed some light on the situation!
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry,
that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system.

SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed .............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
-in the snow.......................+8
-but return with beer.. ........-5
-and no liners.....................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................+10
It's her cat............................................... ...-40

AT A PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
College drinking buddy........................................-2
Named Tiffany........................................... ......-4
Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-6
With breast implants..........................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner.................................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+1
Okay, it is a sports bar......................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team...................-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal............................................... ..+5
The pal is happily married....................................+4
Or frighteningly single.......................................-7
And he drives a Ferrari.......................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...................-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6
You take her to a movie you like..............................-2
It's called Death Cop 3.......................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans........................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid
of it................................................ ........+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..............................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."..............-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...................................-10
You reply, "Where?"...................................... ....-35
Any other response.......................................... .-20

COMMUNICATION
> > When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression................ 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..............................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV................................................ ...........+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep..........-200

[BrilloPad]

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over),
I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me,
"What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I responded,
"I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop said "Whats.....a rectum stretcher,
and what does a rectum stretcher do?" I said,
"Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers,
then three, then four, then my whole hand,
then I work until I can get both hands in there
and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a
bridge.."

[BrilloPad]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently,
then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your
thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The
girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then
he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes
passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts,Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand
on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he
blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before
the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My
thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in
a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The
girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request. And he said, "Din'na ye think it's
aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"