Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

> A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory
> where he had
> been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the

> compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the
> dawn breaking for
> the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he
> thought. It wasn't
> long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a

> wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and
> nibbling at the
> lush grass.
>
> Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've
> just escaped.
> Are you wild rabbits?"
>
> "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
>
> Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.
> It tasted so
> good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
>
> "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots

> growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
>
> This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
> succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked
> them again, "What
> else do you do?"
>
> "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it.
> We eat them as
> well."
>
> The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while
> later completely
> full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of
> the other
> rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
>
> "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits
> there," he
> said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're
> girls. We shag
> them. Go and try it."
>
> Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his
> little heart
> out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
>
> "That was fantastic," he panted.
>
> "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
>
> "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
>
> The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why?
> We thought you
> liked it here."
>
> "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the
> laboratory. I'm
> dying for a cigarette."

[BrilloPad]

Blonde's Medical Dictionary

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterise -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhoea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a tepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

[BrilloPad]

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his
order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chilli," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch
it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch
and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbour.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli. When
he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse
in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had
just eaten back into the bowl.

"Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.

[BrilloPad]

THIS WACKY WORLD

Fruit stall owner Giuseppe Scirrocco, who stopped paying taxes two years
ago because he couldn't afford them, has been landed with a 12-billion
lira (app. US$7 million) tax bill by officials in Milan, Italy.

Teacher Jack Fesneau refused to speak to his wife Christina for more
than
two years because of the way she said "I do" at their wedding.
Christina,
from Quebec, Canada, has been granted a divorce.

Police have decided not to prosecute Rashon Jackson, 19, after he phoned
the emergency services to get directions to a bus station in New Jersey,
US.

A Judge granted a divorce to Percy Quentin because his wife Thelma
organized a lottery -- with herself as the prize. After selling 600
tickets at US$5 each in Los Angeles, US, the winner was a 73-year-old
man.

Anton Wladich's snoring has become so loud since breaking his nose, that
most of his street's residents in Warsaw, Poland, have moved house to
escape the noise.

Furious girls in Lodz, Poland, are demanding a refund after paying
US$800
to join a dating agency which had 300 women -- but just seven men.

An underwear factory in Volgrad, Russia, is preventing redundancies
(layoffs) by paying its staff with 36 pairs of free knickers a month.

Trucker Boris Kalusch drowned after trying to drink from the beer tanker
he was driving. Police in Siberia found his legs sticking from the
inspection cover.

Former prisoner James Knapp confessed to police that he'd robbed two
stores in Oklahoma, US, because he missed his old cell-mates. Police
said
they'd see if James could be reunited with his old friends.

A zookeeper was pinned to the ground and had his trousers torn off -- by
a
lovesick lady orangutan! Ken Alrand had cared for Anna ever since she
was
rejected by her natural mother in infancy. But he never realised that
she
had developed a crush on him. As Alrand was cleaning Anna's enclosure in
Aalborg, Denmark, she pounced on him and ripped his pants off. "She's
obviously fallen in love with me," says Alrand. "So I'll keep my
distance
from now on."

Six people taken to hospital from a reception in Moscow were injured by
flying champagne corks.

Scared Charles Hurden locked himself in his shed for three days after he
thought asteroids landed in his garden in Sydney, Australia. They were
luminous balloons from a party 16 km away.

Gunman Simon Kingstree failed to rob a bank in Carolina, US, because
staff
kept laughing at his big ears -- even when he threatened to shoot a
cashier.

A man dubbed by police in Athens, Greece as The Cigarette Saboteur has
taken to attacking people he sees smoking and forcing them to eat their
remaining cigarettes. The oddball has claimed seven victims in six
months.

A pervert who exposed himself on the Paris Metro [subway] in France fled
in horror when his victim -- a transvestite -- flashed back.

Marauding moose have torn up seven light aircraft in less than a week at
Anchorage Airport in Alaska.

A burglar charged with raiding vending machine paid his bail with US$300
in coins.

A golf match in Los Angeles, US, was abandoned when a cow wandered onto
the fairway, deposited a cow-pat on the 17th green and then chased the
players.

Raindancer Jose Carquirre has been charged with manslaughter after six
people died in a flood in Arcos, Brazil.

[BrilloPad]

OK ,here it is, the greatest formula ever, better then Plank's
> Photo-electric Theorem, more useful then Einstein's Theory of
> Relativity and less boring then Newton's, Boyle's and Rutherford's
> ramblings. It essentially determines to what extent your bird
> standards will fall while intoxicated in a social environments.
>
>
>
> U = S - L
>
> Where: L = (P x a) Ts / Tr x Wi
>
> Values
> U = Ugly bird factor
> S = Sober attraction factor (see text below)
> L = Downward shift of Standards (to be subtracted from S)
> P = Pints consumed
> a = Strength of lager (see conversion table)
> Ts = Time since last shag (months)
> Tr = Time remaining at establishment(hours)
> Wi = Number of witnesses present
>
> Conversion table for (a)
> Hoffmeister/XXXX = .5
> Fosters/Heineken = 1
> Stella/Kronenbourg = 1.5
> Exhibition Cider = 2.0
>
> Before you do anything you have to be brutally honest and decide a
> figure (S) on a scale of 1 to 15 (budgieometer)as to what your
> average
> budgie pull is likely to look like while you are sober (1 being Jo
> Brand through to 15 being Claudia Schiffer).
>
> The result of the formula (L) is the figure you MINUS from you sober
> score(S) in order to obtain (U). The value (U) is then checked on
> the
> corresponding budgieometer. Hey presto, you have a value for your
> birds ugliness. Although this formula is purely for statistical
> purposes one usually finds their mates are highly calibrated
> indicators.

[BrilloPad]

THE MINI SKIRT

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was
waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt
with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and
it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was
too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first
step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver
she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to
make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the
step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a
second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin
she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy
little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to
give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line
picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step
of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero,
screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who
you are!!" At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would
agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured that we was friends."

[BrilloPad]

There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns,
ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has
eaten a few when the woman opposite says, "Would you mind not doing
that, its disgusting to watch".
He says, "Listen love, it's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my
fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and
carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and
eating the prawns. Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to
have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can hear
whilst he's trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles.
After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman "Could you
stop that noise - can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got
nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and
I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabs the woman's
knitting and throws it out of the window. The woman gets up and pulls
the alarm cord. The man laughs "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for
that!" To which the woman replies "And you'll get 6 years when the
police smell your fingers !".

[BrilloPad]

Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something that you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
Name a number you have to memorise - 7
Name something that you do before going to bed - Sleep
Name something that you put on wall - Roofs
Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
Name something that you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Name something a cat does - Go to the toilet
Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal that you see at the zoo - A Dog
Name a sign of the zodiac - April
Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
Name a jacket potato topping - Jam
Name a famous Scotsman - Jock
Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Name something with a hole in it - A window
Name a non-living object with legs - Plant
Name a domestic animal - Leopard
Name a part of the body beginning with N - Knee
Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
Name something other than a door that you open - Your bowels

[oracleslave]

Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something that you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
Name a number you have to memorise - 7
Name something that you do before going to bed - Sleep
Name something that you put on wall - Roofs
Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
Name something that you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Name something a cat does - Go to the toilet
Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal that you see at the zoo - A Dog
Name a sign of the zodiac - April
Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
Name a jacket potato topping - Jam
Name a famous Scotsman - Jock
Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Name something with a hole in it - A window
Name a non-living object with legs - Plant
Name a domestic animal - Leopard
Name a part of the body beginning with N - Knee
Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
Name something other than a door that you open - Your bowels

Joke standards have hit rock bottom and started digging

[BrilloPad]

Joke standards have hit rock bottom and started digging

BrilloPad 1,005
darmstadt 49
Colemanisor 34
daviejones 21

well after 1000 posts what do you expect?

ungrateful troll - how about a bt of gratitude/encouragement?