Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all
a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own
hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant
other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:! Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might
need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning. And remember:
Money talks...But Chocolate sings.

[BrilloPad]

Paddy's down at the pub quiz.
It's the quick fire round.
'Name a bird that can't fly'.
Paddy buzzes in quick as a flash....
'That bird off Holby City, Laura Sadler'.

[BrilloPad]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's
pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks:

"Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat
bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

[BrilloPad]

BUSH: SADDAM BOUGHT GERANIUMS, NOT URANIUM

White House Defends War Decision Based on Typo
In an extraordinary retraction of key elements in his last State of the
Union Address, President George W. Bush revealed today that former Iraqi
strongman Saddam Hussein did not attempt to buy uranium in Africa, as earlier
alleged, but merely geraniums.

"As I was reading the speech to the nation, I should have caught that
typo," the President told reporters today. "My bad."

While the news about the uranium/geranium goof stunned diplomatic circles,
Mr. Bush remained resolute about his decision to go to war, arguing that
buying geraniums, while not as potentially dangerous as buying uranium,
still represented a "suspicious" activity on the part of the Iraqi madman.

"The question we have to ask is, who was he buying these geraniums for?"
Mr. Bush said. "Was he buying them for Osama bin Laden or Kim Jung-Il or
some other evildoer? Luckily, we'll never find out."

Mr. Bush said that, thanks to Operation Iraqi Freedom, "Saddam Hussein is
no longer free to terrorize the world with his evil flower-buying sprees."

While the President may have been trying to quell international criticism,
his comments instead sparked more controversy, as French President Jacques
Chirac challenged the U.S. to find evidence of geraniums anywhere in Iraq.

In response, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld said that while the
U.S. had yet to turn up any concrete evidence of geraniums, U.S. forces
had uncovered several "suspicious" empty flowerpots outside of Basra.

Asked by reporters about the flowerpots, Mr. Bush gave a thumbs-up gesture
and said, "Mission accomplished."

[birdy-numnum]

In 1986, John Smith was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so John approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, John worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

John never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where John and his son Ben were standing. The large bull elephant stared at John and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of John's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railings, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[birdy-numnum]

Definition of Bravery:

Bravery is arriving home late after a boozy night out, being confronted by your missus with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

[birdy-numnum]

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed."Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[Diver]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's
pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks:

"Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat
bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

tears

[AtW]

I try to focus on quality of my posts, rather than their quantity.

ATW

[BrilloPad]

I try to focus on quality of my posts, rather than their quantity.

ATW

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