Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Alonso's bird in the shower!

[LondonManc]

I was chatting with a guy in the pub the other day.
"Do you have an uncle?" I asked
"I used to, but he died," was the reply.
"Oh really, I'm sorry. How did he die?"
"He fell through a trapdoor and broke his neck."
"Ouch, was he a builder?" I asked.
"No, a pirate."

[vetran]

For NAT

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting.
"Entschuldigen Sie mich, Sie zu tun sprechen Deutsches?" he asks. The two Texans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi pour vous faire parlent français?" The two continue to stare.

"parli italiano?" No response.

"¿los di usted habla español?" Still nothing.

So he has a final try: "Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?"

The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Texan turns to the second and says, "You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five and it didn't do him any good."

[vetran]

For our soon to be divorcees

So, he got home from work the other night and said to her indoors....get me a beer from the fridge before it starts....

20mins later he said to her indoors can I have another before it starts....

Another 20 mins passed and he said quick get me another beer before it starts, to which she replied....

Listen you lazy, Fat arse Tw*t, you walk in and start barking orders...........

To which he immediately interrupted.......***** me ITS STARTED

[vetran]

Bit of politics

I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"
Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.

[vetran]

Having never had an orgasm, MF’s poor wife convinced him that they needed to go to the doctors to find out why.
After a number of tests and questions one suggestion the doctor gave was that that she could be over-heating during sex.

However, poor MF’s wife, as well as being a bit useless in bed, he was also a bit of a skinflint and refused to buy a fan, instead deciding to save money by getting his friend round to waft them with a towel on them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting she still had not had an orgasm, so MF`s cheeky friend suggests swapping places, saying "I`ll make love to her, and you waft the towel"

MF agrees, and within seconds his wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm she has ever had.

MF turns to his friend slowly and say's "...... and that my son is how you waft a towel!"

[vetran]

Pound Coins


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 pound coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the pound coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue.'

[LondonManc]

Have you found a backup of Sickipedia from 2008 or something?

[vetran]

Here's a few Viz letters from the past:


I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.


I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.


Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.


Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?


Am I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.


I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.


According to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A Limb, or the 'About Heather' section of her website www.heathermillsmccartney .com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.


Professional footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.


The thing that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how st must the other people at the interview have been?


Why don’t NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.


They say that slow and steady wins the race. bks! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.


I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise move.


How is it that Snoop Dogg can have a million selling album containing 300 references to the word "n1gger" and be showered with MOBO awards, and yet I use the word just ONCE at my son's Sunday league match last Saturday and am immediately ordered to leave the park. This smacks of discrimination of the worst kind.


In a recently Christmas TV advert, fat tongued mockey Jamie Oliver advised us to sprinkle cinnamon on our mince pies. I think his adverts should come with some kind of health warning, as I followed his advice and am now blind.


I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.


My so-called "permanent" marker has just run out. What a rip-off.


'Whilst learning to drive recently, my aged and wise father informed me "Remember son, the most dangerous part on a car is the nut behind the wheel". Heeding his advice, I removed the said component and placed it safely on a shelf in my garage. You can imagine my surprise when, whilst negotiating a busy roundabout, the steering wheel came away in my hand and my car ploughed into a bus queue. Still, we all soon saw the funny side.'


It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.



I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.



A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.



I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.



So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.



Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.



THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.



I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.



'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.



'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976,

'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.



MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards.



I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that

my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys?



Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?



I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If anything they start asking me for more money.



Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.



Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.



Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?



It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt.



On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.



Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.



Supermarkets. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.



Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamza?



The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?



Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.



I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?



I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.



I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.



What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.



I HAVE recently started to m@sturb@te whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a p@edophile What do your readers think?

[vetran]

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?



Mix luminous paint with your dog food to help prevent unfortunate pedestrians treading on dog turds during the dark winter evenings.



They say you can't trust anybody these days.

Sadly, it is true, only yesterday, I broke into my next door neighbors, stole his telly and smashed up his house whilst he was out shopping.



Imagine my surprise last night when I was woken from my slumber by Cindy Crawford, who proceeded to lay on top of me, wearing only skimpy panties, and press her breasts into my face.

I was in heaven, and simply could not believe my luck, until a few seconds later, when I realised that it was only a poster of cindy crawford.

The blu tac had come loose and it had fallen off my bedroom wall and landed on me.

My only consolation is that I can now tell friends about the night cindy crawford fell for me!



I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam.



People who say that relaxing the licencing laws will lead to to an increase in violence should look at the figures. The present opening hours were intoduced in 1914, and were followed by 4 years of fighting in which millions of people were killed.