Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Question...................... "Why did 100 chickens cross the road?"


Answer........................."They were auditioning for the part in the joke!!"

[vetran]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first.
Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more . Two asses they
come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta
time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spell
"Mississippi'."


I'VE GOT £5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN...

[vetran]

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun
standing there.

Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I
hide under your skirts
for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed.

Just a moment later two Military Police came
running along and asked,
Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled
out from under her skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but
you see I don't want to go to Iraq.

"The nun said, "I think I can fully understand
your fear.

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude
or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little
higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq
either

[vetran]

Postman Pat

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £100.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-Carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast - bacon, eggs, tomatoes, sausage, waffles, fried bread, mushrooms, black pudding and a big glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a mug of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the mug.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, but what's the five pounds for?" Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you". "I asked him what to give you".
He said, "***** him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[vetran]

For NAT

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million and, remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time. Here's your

question: What type of animal lives in a set?

Is it:

a) a badger

B) a ferret

c) a mole or

d) a cuckoo

Sven ponders for a while and says; "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.

I'll have to go 50-50." "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says; "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going

to call, Sven?" says Chris. "Hmmm: I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham. David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with

your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss - one hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven. "I'll go with David; the answer is Badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer; you've won £1 million!" Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night; I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a

call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, "... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[vetran]

Not a bad idea

Thoughts for Modern Living

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.


AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration...

[vetran]

Speed kills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvIY...earch=Speeding

[vetran]

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers. Every day, he'd jog
past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace
himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on His jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony
realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good
explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony
became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough,there was the hooker.
Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five
quid?!"

[LondonManc]

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

A: A wedding ring.

[vetran]

I had to drive the works van home the other night and noticed a very sexy hitchhiker wiggling along the road. Being (for one night only) a white van man I found it necesary to either letch at her or pick her up, so I picked her up.

During the journey, she started winking at me then blowing me kisses. I checked my pulse to check I was still alive, then asked her if she was ok. She replied that she was a bit kinky and always fancied doing it with a white van man in the back of a white van!! Checked my pulse again, and it was working even better now.

After about 40 minutes of doing naughties in the back of the van she started shouting 'whip me, whip me!!' Being from Dorset and not into these things I had to refuse, but she insisted that she could never be satisfied unless she was whipped! A little stunned by this, I had a look around in the van but couldn't find anything to whip her with so I got out and had a look around the lay by. Nearly given up, I suddenly notice that the van has one of those rubber duck ariels on the roof. I clamber up and unscrew it, then get back into the van and start whipping her. She goes wild, screaming 'harder' at me until she explodes and then lies there repeating the word, 'wow' for a few minutes.

The following day I spy her walking along the road again and stop to say hello.

She is not very nice, crying and screaming obscenities at me. I try to calm her doen but she says, "I have had to go to the doctor because of you, you f****** B******! Those whip marks on my back have gone septic and are very sore."

I tried to calm her down and asked what the doctor had said, and she relied, "well, apparently, (pause to surpress sobbing) you have given me a van aerial disease!!"