You know you're on a Chinese website when it asks you if you want to accept Fortune Cookies.
- Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
- Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!
Please put more jokes here
Collapse
X
Collapse
-
-
The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a ******* wand! What do I want with a ******* wand?"
"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"
"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"
"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."
"Okay," she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"
"**** me, love!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this."
"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.
I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
-
ewwww
My girlfriend and I were enjoying a bit of oral sex last night. She was sucking me off while I was licking her out. The mood soured when she suddenly shat down my face.
"What the ****?" I cried.
"It's a seventy-one," she replied.
"A seventy-one?"
"Yeah, it's a sixty-nine plus a number two."Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
-
How can you tell a male golfer from a female golfer?
By the hole in one!Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
-
You know how you can smack things to get them to work?
My wife and kids just sit there and cry.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
-
My wife said, "I'll do anything you want in bed tonight."
How the **** is she going to cook a curry on a quilt?Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
-
Having gay parents must be ******* horrible. I mean, either you get twice the number of awful dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "Go ask your mum."Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
-
Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning and find a Tesco had been built next to his house. It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't existComment
-
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in a lift.
I was staring at her boobs when she said "would you please press one?"
So I did.
I don't remember much after that.The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't existComment
-
"I've just heard Samantha Cameron is thinking about divorcing David."
"On what grounds?"
"Pigamy."Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
- Home
- News & Features
- First Timers
- IR35 / S660 / BN66
- Employee Benefit Trusts
- Agency Workers Regulations
- MSC Legislation
- Limited Companies
- Dividends
- Umbrella Company
- VAT / Flat Rate VAT
- Job News & Guides
- Money News & Guides
- Guide to Contracts
- Successful Contracting
- Contracting Overseas
- Contractor Calculators
- MVL
- Contractor Expenses
Advertisers
Contractor Services
CUK News
- Streamline Your Retirement with iSIPP: A Solution for Contractor Pensions Sep 1 09:13
- Making the most of pension lump sums: overview for contractors Sep 1 08:36
- Umbrella company tribunal cases are opening up; are your wages subject to unlawful deductions, too? Aug 31 08:38
- Contractors, relabelling 'labour' as 'services' to appear 'fully contracted out' won't dupe IR35 inspectors Aug 31 08:30
- How often does HMRC check tax returns? Aug 30 08:27
- Work-life balance as an IT contractor: 5 top tips from a tech recruiter Aug 30 08:20
- Autumn Statement 2023 tipped to prioritise mental health, in a boost for UK workplaces Aug 29 08:33
- Final reminder for contractors to respond to the umbrella consultation (closing today) Aug 29 08:09
- Top 5 most in demand cyber security contract roles Aug 25 08:38
- Changes to the right to request flexible working are incoming, but how will contractors be affected? Aug 24 08:25
Comment