Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

and for MF

'You're so big!' she said, licking her lips as she stared at my photo. 'Thanks,' I beamed, 'Although to be fair I was standing in Legoland.'

[TestMangler]

and for MF

One I got printed in "Fifty Shades of Glasgow"

Chantelle lay back, hiding her modesty by pulling up her Primark trackie bottoms. She deeply inhaled on her newly lit Lambert & Butler. Blowing the smoke out through her nose, she looked up and shyly asked, "So, dae ye's aw play fur Partick Thistle ?"

[vetran]

For our Divorcees

Left my wife and kept the dog.


Now I pick up sh*t just once a day.

[SimonMac]

Why can't old people use printers?

They can't control pee

[vetran]

for MF

Some people said I'd never conquer my problem with attention-seeking.

Look at me now. All of you!

[vetran]

One for Brillo

I asked a girl I was chatting to on the Internet if she fancied meeting up.

She said, "I'm not sure.... What if you're some weirdo? I've never even seen you!"

"Wierdo? Dont be daft!" I replied. "Shall we meet by the Burger King in town...at say 7?"

"Oh... Go on then!" She said. "I'll be wearing denim jeans and a yellow top so you can spot me."

"Fantastic!" I replied. "I'll be in a leather gimp suit and pink high heels."

[vetran]

For AndyW

I'll never forget when I discovered my Mum was a porn star.

It was one of the most confusing wanks I've ever had.

[vetran]

David: "Elton, I have another phone call from the Russian President what would you like me to do?"

Elton: "Putin my ass!"

David: "I will get the lube."

[vetran]

I remember being in class 4B2 at school.

We were as thick as two short planks.

[vetran]

I saw a sign in the doctor's surgery today saying I was "welcome to breastfeed".

Apparently I'm not. And now my wife wants a divorce.