Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

For NickFitz

A chimpanzee walked into a bar, jumped up on a stool and ordered a beer.

"You're a talking chimp!" the bartender exclaimed.

" Right," the chimp replied, " I'm working in construction across the street for a week, then I'm laid off, now where is my beer?"

Each day the chimp came in for a beer after work, he was getting more and more depressed about being laid off. Meanwhile a circus came to town, the bartender mentioned the talking chimp to the owner.

" I've got great news, you can get a job with the circus." he informed the chimp.

" This circus, its in a big canvas tent?" the chimp inquired.

" Well yes," replied the bartender.

" Wonder what they need a finishing carpenter for?" mused the chimp.

[vetran]

One night a wife saw her husband standing over the baby's crib.

She stood watching him silently, he looked down with mixed emotions, disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism.

She slipped her arm around him, "Penny for your thoughts?" she whispered.

"It's amazing, how can they make a crib like that for $49.99?"

[vetran]

Three guys on a coffee break are bragging about their abilities.

" I'm the best at finishing and the foreman knows it so he treats me really good," the first guy states.

" I understand plans better than anyone else, that's got me in real tight." says the second guy.

" Well guys I've got you both beat, I'm the foreman's sex advisor." the third man gloates.

" Say what ? " they both mutter.

" And what's more he assures me of it daily because every time I suggest something to him he tells me that when he wants my f@#king advice he will ask for it."

[vetran]

I told my new girlfriend that I have in between 10 and 15 million pounds in my bank account.

It's actually true, my balance is £37.

[SimonMac]

A chimpanzee walked into a bar, jumped up on a stool and ordered a beer.

"You're a talking chimp!" the bartender exclaimed.

" Right," the chimp replied, " I'm working in construction across the street for a week, then I'm laid off, now where is my beer?"

Each day the chimp came in for a beer after work, he was getting more and more depressed about being laid off. Meanwhile a circus came to town, the bartender mentioned the talking chimp to the owner.

" I've got great news, you can get a job with the circus." he informed the chimp.

" This circus, its in a big canvas tent?" the chimp inquired.

" Well yes," replied the bartender.

" Wonder what they need a finishing carpenter for?" mused the chimp.

On a similar there.

A white horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink, then barman say's they have a whiskey named after him and gives him the drink. Horse then wonders to himself why would you call a whiskey Terry.

[BrilloPad]

A sine wave walks into a bar. Barman asks him "Why the long phase?".

[vetran]

My mate Paddy called me today and asked, "What's the 2nd largest state in America?"

"Texas." I replied.

30 seconds later I got a message saying, 'What's the 2nd largest state in America?'

[vetran]

Apparently, a new study says that marriage is far more beneficial for men than it is for women.

I know this because the results of the study were just screamed at me through a locked bedroom door.

[vetran]

Blokes who text lots of smiley faces,frowns and winks are obviously gay.
They're way too in touch with their emoticons.

[vetran]

Paedophiles can be very illogical.

They talk nonce sense.