Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

What's the difference between a thirsty Ethiopian who hasn't seen water for four days and an Irishman on Saint Patricks day when they get to a drink?

The Ethiopian will stop drinking eventually.

[vetran]

Clarissa Dickson Wright known as The Two Fat Ladies chef dies age 66.

That will be 22 years too early then.

[vetran]

I went into the library and asked for a book on suicide

The librarian said: get lost, you won't bring it back!

I'm joking, she gave me the qu'ran

[vetran]

Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours...

but then I realised I'd just put my hoodie on backwards.

[vetran]

I said to the doctor, "I'm worried as whenever I go to visit my mother she gets my name wrong."

He looked up at me sympathetically and asked, "Is it Alzheimer's?"

I looked back at him in disgust and replied, "No, It's Steve."

[vetran]

I don't understand my girlfriend sometimes, I came home this evening to find this note on the fridge.

'It's not working. I'm sorry, but I've gone to stay at my parents house...'

I opened it, the light came on and the beer was still cold.

What the hell is she on about?!

[vetran]

I turned down the opportunity to take over my dad's hat shop to become a game show host.

Who wants to be a milliner heir.

[vetran]

I am always there at the critical moment in time of an alcoholics life if they feel the need to drink.

I have an off licence

[vetran]

Being in South Africa it wouldn't surprise me if they convict Oscar Pistorius's legs, because they're black.

[vetran]

Norfolk has the fastest piano players in the UK.

I can see why. They've got more fingers than the rest of us.