Please put more jokes here

[Alias]

Chinese takeaway - £14

Petrol to pick it up - £3

Getting home and realising they've forgotten one of your containers:

Rice less

[Damon]

Overheard conversation

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about a couple.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: On average about £3.00.
(This is where it starts to get scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 45 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs £3 and you have 2 beers a day which puts your spending each month at £84. In one year, it would be approximately £1,008 …correct?
Man: Sounds about right. I expect you're Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend £1,008, not accounting for inflation, over the past 45 years, this puts your spending at £45,360 correct?
Man: I'm sure that you're correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 45 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man; …. After a momets thought.
So …………… do you drink beer then?
Woman: with some defiance … No!




Man: So where's your Ferrari then?

[BigRed]

Modern TV and Radio hosts

Have you noticed how the modern presenters don't seem to be able to reach out and touch the younger audience like the previous generation did?

[vetran]

After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that getting a blowjob would be least I could expect.

Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager.

[vetran]

Some men think lingerie shots are more erotic than all-out pornography.

I prefer to see the hole picture.

[vetran]

My mate texted me and said, "What you up to?"

I said, "Just eating my tea. She's made corned beef ash."

He said, "Hash is spelt with an H mate."

I said, "It isn't when my wife cooks it."

[vetran]

If I had a pound for every lie I've ever told , I'd have about 350 trillion pounds.

love T Bliar!

[vetran]

The makers of the Jeremy Kyle show come have up with a plan to treble their daily viewing figures.

They are going to move it to an afternoon slot when a lot more of their audience will be out of bed.

[vetran]

Sat in McDonalds with the wife today when a girl walked in wearing the most revealing dress I'd ever seen. It barely reached her thighs and was so low-cut that if she coughed, her bra-less tits would undoubtedly jump out for all to see. Also, it had the slogan 'bitch whore' printed all over it.

"Eugh, look at that." Shuddered my wife. "You'd never get me in a dress like that."

"I should think not." I replied.

"It's a size ten."

[vetran]

I was in a restaurant when I noticed Katie Price was sitting across from my table.

I said, "Wow! I can't believe it."

Giggling, she asked, "You can't believe what, honey?"

I replied, "Your legs are crossed."