Please put more jokes here

[ASB]

I was in the process of preparing the Christmas turkey but it was getting a bit stressful.

I took a deep breath and asked myself what would nigella do.

So I smoked a joint and had two lines of cocaine

[ASB]

Nigella Lawson, off her tits, snorting coke?

Don't care.

Nigella Lawson, snorting coke, off her tits?

You have my attention.

[vetran]

I'm afraid not all 1986 calendars can be reused in 2014.

My Pirelli one has all the pages stuck together.

[vetran]

I was busy taking a tulip at work this morning when I thought,"It feels like I've forgotten something."

"House keys?..Nope got it."

"Fags?.."Nope got it."

"Wallet?..Nope got that as well."

"Oh ****,I'm still sitting in my office chair."

[vetran]

I had my paper ripped up in front of me and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers' exam today.


One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

[vetran]

My wife took me to a restaurant for my birthday and said, "For a birthday treat you can have anything you fancy."

She didn't look too happy when I grabbed the blonde waitress with big tits and took her to the toilets for a quick shag.

[vetran]

Every Chinese New Year is symbolised by an animal, 2014 being the year of the horse.

There are exceptions though. If you're married, then yet again it's the year of the dragon.

[vetran]

For Dryanuary

I was in the doctors this morning and said "Doc, I've been getting these terrible headaches recently."

"Hmm" He said "Have you been drinking enough?"

"Yeah" I replied "I got through 2 cans in the waiting room."

[vetran]

An advert for men to work in a gay brothel said

"The pay is poor but you will get big tips in the end"

[vetran]

Whistle Blower Edward Snowden's latest revelation is that 'Cash For Gold' is in fact a covert UK Government operation to replace the gold reserves sold off by Gordon Brown.