Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

There is some wierd tulip happening in Westminster.

Yesterday Hiliary Clinton's car gets a parking ticket.

This morning my next door neighbour was driving to work where he is a traffic warden, and he got taken out by a drone strike.

[vetran]

I'm not saying my wife is fat or anything but -

I've just walked out of our baby scan with a ******* poster

[vetran]

My new girlfriend really knows how to give me a boner.

She's from Thailand.

[vetran]

one for Suity

My sister has been telling everybody she saw me at the garage using their air line to inflate a sex doll,

It's been blown up out of all proportion.

[vetran]

I was in Jamaica when I heard this bloke shout out, "Oi Usain! The 400 metre hurdles is much better than the 100 metres."

I thought, "That's a bit race-ist."

[vetran]

for the Pedants

I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:

"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"

To which I replied:

"8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."

[vetran]

What's the difference between a western girl and a Arab girl?

The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery.

[vetran]

one for me!

I would never cheat in a relationship,

because that would require two people to find me attractive.

[vetran]

My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.

"Making you someone to play with," I said.

"A brother?" she asked excitingly.

"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

[vetran]

"Have you done a sex video with your wife?" I said to my mate in the pub.

"Yeah of course!" he said.

"Me too!" I said. "I've got an idea: when we get home, you send me yours, I'll send you mine, we can knock one out then delete them. What do you say?"

"You're on!" he said excitedly as he rubbed his hands together and hurried home.

That was a week ago. I've not spoken to him since.

Maybe he felt a bit awkward watching me ******* his wife.