Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Women, who can work them out,
I suggest a Threesome to the wife with her and the Babysitter and she goes mental,
So I substitute her for the Babysitters best friend (to make the numbers up) and she goes even more mental !

[vetran]

The wife asked me to make her a spice rack

So I threw some cumin on her tits

[vetran]

After an argumentive marriage the wife and I decided to be adults and split our belongings and go our separate ways.

"We'll sell the house and split it 50/50," I said. "You keep the downstair stuff and I'll have upstairs."

"But what about all those wedding presents?" she asked. "Are you keeping those from your side and me mine?"

"Well don't just stand there glaring!" I said. "Put the ******* cake knife down and give em all back, most of the guests are still here anyway."

[vetran]

I've never paid a woman for sex.

I have an account with the pimp.

[vetran]

"Come on then. It's really good. Everyone else is doing it. Just try it, you'll like it."

It's amazing how peer pressure to try drugs and trying to get your kids to eat vegetables are almost the same ******* thing.

[vetran]

The missus has been wanting a kitchen with an island in it ever since we bought our new house 6 years ago. I finally made it happen on our 10th anniversary.

But now all she's doing is screaming about all the sand and water in there.

[vetran]

for SAS

When ugly people show me a picture of their kids I don't assume the kid will be ugly as well.

I just find it fascinating that they've actually had sex.

[vetran]

Learn from your mistakes.

I got the equivalent of an Hons Degree, Masters and PHD when I married my wife.

[vetran]

I hate it when the wife uses that time-old excuse: "I've got a headache!"

Really, that lying bitch just doesn't want to play World of Warcraft with me.

[vetran]

I hate those fake "You've won the Spanish lottery" scams used to con old people out of their savings.

Every time I call on them to tell them their roof tiles are loose they've already spent all their money.