Please put more jokes here

[shaunbhoy]

Many men have nicknames for their c0cks. Mine was given to me by a girlfriend whilst she was giving me head. She named it "The Impaler".........yes...."The Impaler".
Or at least that's what I thought she said. Turns out she was asthmatic, and it is my fault she died!



The wife's not speaking to me because I wouldn't open the car door for her.
Its not my fault, I just panicked and swam for the surface!!

[shaunbhoy]

Woman gets out of the bath and slips on the wet floor, does the splits and ends up stuck to the floor tiles by her fanny.
She calls for her hubby to help, but try as he might he just cannot budge her. She is stuck fast.
In desperation, they call for the neighbour to come round and lend a hand, but even with his help they cannot budge her.
The neighbour eventually says "Its no good, we are going to have to smash the tiles to get her off. I'll go and get a hammer"
The hubby says "Great. Whilst you are gone I will try and get her turned on by playing with her erogenous zones"
The neighbour says "What is the point of that?"
The hubby says "Because if I can get her moist enough, I can maybe slide her into the kitchen. The floor tiles in there are a bloody sight cheaper!!"

[shaunbhoy]

A man is queuing at the 5 items or less counter in the supermarket. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a 4-pack of lager and an Indian Meal for 1. She smiles at him.
He looks into her basket. She has a half bottle of Lambrini, and a Chinese Meal for 1. He says to her "You're single, aren't you?"
She gives a girly giggle and says "Yes, how did you know?"
He replies "Coz you're Fugly!!"

[thunderlizard]

The wife's not speaking to me because I wouldn't open the car door for her.
Its not my fault, I just panicked and swam for the surface!!

Emo Philips FTW!

[TestMangler]

The most embarresing thing I ever did in my life was to masturbate over a pair of my sisters' knickers.

I really shouldn't have done it.

I was only there to identify the body................

[shaunbhoy]

Two Irish fellas park their car, shut the door then realise that they have locked the keys inside.
Paddy says "We could get a coathanger and try to unlock it or prise the door open"
Murphy replies "Well whatever we do we better get a move on. It has started raining and the top is still down!"

[shaunbhoy]

"Dad? There's a man at the door with a Bill"

"Don't be stupid son, it must be a Duck!"

[shaunbhoy]

What is grey and comes in pints?

An Elephant!!

[wobbegong]

The most embarresing thing I ever did in my life was to masturbate over a pair of my sisters' knickers.

I really shouldn't have done it.

I was only there to identify the body................

That HAS to be one of the foulest jokes I've ever heard . . .

. . . and now I'm going to hell for laughing at it.

[RichardCranium]

What's the difference between a British and an Iraqi soldier?

Don't know?

Welcome to the United States Air Force, son!

What's the difference between a dark-skinned, bearded, turban wearing, gun-wielding bloke pointing his automatic weapon at you and a skinny, white, blonde, unarmed woman cowering in a corner?

Don't know?

Welcome to the US Marines, son!