Please put more jokes here

[Drewster]

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Gordon, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon,"and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

[voodooflux]

What's the difference between Eyjafjallajokull and Cheryl Cole?

Eyjafjallajokull is still blowing Ash.

[vetran]

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.
Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail."
Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"

What's the difference between one of Saddam's palaces and a 50 cent's house?
You know your'e going to find weapons in 50 cent's house.


What does Bjork do when she's horny?
She watches pjorn.


Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

[vetran]

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!' Patricia Arquette
"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

[vetran]

Q: Did you hear about the John Bobbitt doorbell?

A: It has a ding but no dong.


Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

A: Their middle name.


Q: What is pink and has seven dents?

A: Snow White's cherry.


Q: Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?
A: Because Ken comes in a box.


What happens when you put the Energizer Bunny batteries in backward?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...


What's Osama bin Laden's favorite movie?
"Dude, Where's my Cave?"

Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the roof of the Enterprise?

A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.


Q: What's the definition of "wicker box"?

A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Britney Spears.


What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?
One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!

What do David Beckham and a Cartier watch have in common?
They both come in a Posh box!

What do George Michael and Wellington Boots have in common?
They both get sucked off in bogs.

[Money Money Money]

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm having that!"

[Money Money Money]

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

[Money Money Money]

Christiano Ronaldo had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right" said the midwife, "what should you do if the baby starts crying and having a tantrum?"

"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the ******* floor" replied the newborn.

[dang65]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.

The croc asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Holy sh*t dude... How much water did you drink!?'

[Old Greg]

The other night I was sucking off my new Thai bride, when I thought hang on a f**king minute.