Please put more jokes here

[realityhack]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[realityhack]

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."
"I've already said No, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."
"No! I've said NO!"
"My love... Don't be like that..."
At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

[realityhack]

I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring from my 'day job'. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......


About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'


The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'


So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'


My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work...

[realityhack]

You Might Be a Technician if...

you have ever tried to repair a £10 radio.

you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."

you think your computer looks better without the cover.

you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."

you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

the salespeople at Maplins can't answer any of your questions.

the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.

you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

[realityhack]

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

[realityhack]

Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

[BrilloPad]

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do"

[BrilloPad]

A woman notices her local supermarket is selling cheap boneless chicken breasts, so she decides to stock up. Once inside, though, she’s disappointed to find only a few skimpy fillets left, so she complains to the butcher.
‘Don’t worry,’ he says. ‘I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you’ve finished the rest of your shopping.’
Soon after, the woman hears the butcher’s voice boom out from the public address system: ‘Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.’



Q, Why are men like commercials?
A, You can’t believe a word they say.


Three reasons why chocolate is better than sex:
1. With chocolate size doesn’t matter.
2. Good chocolate is easy to find.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.


A man walks into a pet shop, buys a parrot and takes him home where he tries to train him. He informs the parrot: ‘When I go to work, keep an eye on my wife and tell me everything she does.’
When the man returns home he says to the parrot:
‘What did my wife get up to?’
The parrot replies: ‘First the door bell rang then your wife opened the door. After that a man walked in and they both took their clothes off. Then I got too excited and fell off my perch.’

[Swiss Tony]

I was walking home last night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo

... In morse code

[RichardCranium]

.. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!