Please put more jokes here

[pzz76077]

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries
and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing
them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of
his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set
the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites
of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and
whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all
they can afford is one meal for the two of them.

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the
table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were
used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat
and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him
buy another meal for them. Th is time the old woman said 'No
, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face
neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the
little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and
asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered:

(Continued below)














'THE TEETH.'

[xoggoth]

Oh yeh that too. Not enough pig tho.

[BrilloPad]

I’ve finally found inner peace, and would like to share the way to achieve it. It is simply to finish the things you start.
I looked around the house this afternoon and saw the things I’d started but not finished. So I finished them - the vodka, sherry, white wine, ice cream, crisps and chocolate cake.
You have no idea how peaceful I feel now.

Q. Why do men give names to their penis’?
A. Because they don’t want 99% of their decisions to be made by a stranger.

[FiveTimes]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks”

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"


"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Gordon Brown's?" asked the man.

"Gordon's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Mat7777]

Whats the difference between 'light' and 'hard' ?
You can sleep with a light on.

Whats the difference between Or@l sex and @nal sex ?
Or@l sex makes your day, @nal sex makes your whole week.

[Money Money Money]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks”

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"


"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Gordon Brown's?" asked the man.

"Gordon's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Repeated within about 10 posts???

[Menelaus]

Mowing the lawn is an absolute waste of time.

Best thing to do: paint your lawn black and play Marilyn Manson at it until it starts cutting itself.

[BrilloPad]

The plane has taken off and is flying above the clouds when a smooth voice announces over the intercom: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight 293. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth flight. Sit back and relax and... OH MY GOD!!!’
Silence follows, and after a few minutes, the captain’s voice comes back on the intercom. ‘I’m so sorry if I alarmed you earlier. While I was talking, the flight attendant accidentally spilt hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers.’
‘That’s nothing!’ a passenger yells. ‘You should see the back of mine!’


There was a couple who had been married for 20 years. Every time they had sex, the husband always insisted on turning off the lights and doing it in absolute darkness. After 20 years, his wife thought enough was enough, and she would break him out of such a crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex, she turned on the lights. When she looked down she saw that her husband was holding a cucumber. She was naturally upset, horrified and angry, and started screaming abuse at her husband.
‘How could you lie to me for all these years? You had better explain yourself.’
The husband looks his wife in the eye and says calmly, ‘I’ll explain the cucumber if you can explain our three kids.’



A man wakes up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. He thinks that he might be able to fall asleep after having sex, so nudges his wife and asks her if she wants to have sex. She says, ‘I have an appointment at the gynaecologist’s tomorrow and you know that I don’t like to make love the night before.’ Her husband can’t argue with this, so he rolls over and tries to go back to sleep. He lies in bed thinking for a while, and then asks his wife, ‘You don’t by any chance have a dentists appointment tomorrow, do you?’

[pzz76077]

So a frog walks into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"










The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[BrilloPad]

A doctor phones a plumber in the middle of the night. The plumber says angrily: ‘Why are you ringing me at this hour?’
‘It’s an emergency,’ the doctor replies. ‘If it were the other way round, you’d expect me to come to you, wouldn’t you?’
‘OK,’ the plumber sighs. ‘So what’s the problem?’
‘The pipe under the sink is leaking,’ the doctor says.
‘Right - give it two aspirin,’ the plumber says. ‘And call me again in the morning if it’s no better.’

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls over the waiter and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her.
After the waiter has taken the champagne over to her, the woman looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the man. The note reads,
For me to accept this bottle you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and eight inches in your trousers.
After reading this note, the man sends his own note back to her. It reads,
Just so you know - I have a Mercedes and a BMW and over 10 million in the bank. But not even for you, sweetheart, would I cut two inches off my penis. So send the bottle back.