Please put more jokes here

[EternalOptimist]

When God created man, there was a fair amount of debate.
All of the different parts of the body wanted to be the boss, the brain had the best case.

'I am the brain. I think, I plan, I control everything, even while asleep. I should be the boss'
'I am the eyes, without me you can not go anywhere or do anything I should be the boss'
'It is the hands with the opposable thumb that makes us different from the animals I should be the boss'
'I am the most important, as the @rsehole I should be the boss'


The rest of the body fell about laughing. The idea that the bum-hole should be the boss was hilarious. So the anus got madder and madder then decided to close up completely.

Nobody noticed at first, then after a few days the eyes started to water, the hands started to shake uncontrollably, finally the brain started to get cloudy and fuzzy and got a huge headache.

'Ok ok, we give in, you can be the boss, ring piece'

So,
You dont have to be a brain to be the boss, just an @rse-hole

[BrilloPad]

A man is doing some DIY so asks his wife to pop out and buy a new door hinge from the hardware shop.
When she gets there, she finds the right one and takes it to the till. The assistant notices she hasn’t picked up anything to attach it with, so he asks her: ‘Do you want a screw for that hinge?’
She looks him up and down and replies: ‘No, but I’m all yours for that toaster in the window.’




Q. Why did God create man before woman?
A. Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece!


Q. Have you heard about the nun who was expelled from the convent.
A. The mother superior caught her doing press ups on the cucumber patch.




Two friends were out fishing. One always caught more fish than the other. Sometimes he went fishing on the right bank, other times he went fishing on the left and occasionally he didn’t turn up at all when he had promised his friend he would. So his friend said to him one day: ‘Why is it you fish on the left bank one day and on the right bank other days and that some days you don’t show up but you always catch more fish than I do?’
‘Oh that’s easy to explain,’ his friend said. ‘When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her right side, then I fish on the right bank, if she is sleeping on her left side I fish on the left side of the bank.’ So his friend said: ‘What if she’s lying on her back sleeping.’
‘Well,’ replied his friend. ‘On those days I don’t go fishing!’

[Swiss Tony]

A pig flu?

I thought that was impossible.

[Swiss Tony]

I have a friend on Facebook whose status says "Suicidal – Standing on the edge of a cliff".

So I poked him...

[Swiss Tony]

My friend recently got divorced from his wife. He told me, "Marriage is like a prison."

I thought to myself, "That’s not true. At least in prison you get to have an@l sex."

[Swiss Tony]

82% of Americans think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.

[Swiss Tony]

I read a train safety leaflet this morning which says, "Don't walk on tracks; high voltage current dangerous".

So it's nothing to do with the trains then?

[Swiss Tony]

According to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10..........

[Swiss Tony]

Very wrong but cracked me up...

Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker.

[Swiss Tony]

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Sword Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any f**king Frenchmen to show it to."