Please put more jokes here

[EternalOptimist]

Two five year old girls talking in the playgound.

1st girl 'mum said she found a condom on the patio'
2nd girl 'whats a patio?'

[Swiss Tony]

Never Lie To A Woman!

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"




The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

[EternalOptimist]

A young fkwit gets a job at the zoo.
His first job is to feed the animals and he is warned not to make any mistakes because certain foods are dangerous to certain animals. But dont worry too much about the hyenas, they will eat anything.

So the fkwit sets of and arrives at the aquarium, but instead of fish food, he puts bananas and berries and rotten apples into the tank. Within a few minutes the fish are floating at the top of the tank.
Oh, what am I going to do ? so he scoops up all the bodies and scoots over to the hyenas, makes sure no one is looking then chucks them over the fence.
Phew, he thinks, go away with that one. Next up is the chimpanzees. The guy starts throwing lumps of raw meat into the enclosure and pretty soon the apes are lolling about and dropping dead.
Shoot, I know, the hyenas.

Anyways, he decides to call it a day and starts to hide the leftover bits in some little huts he finds. Pretty soon he is being attacked by swarms of bees. So he puts a net on and attacks the hives with a spade, but what to do with the evidence - oh I know - the hyenas.


So later on when everyone has left the zoo, some new animals arrive, amongst them a new hyena. So he goes into the hyena enclosure, 'hi everyone, hows things ?'
'not bad, its quite good here. The food is ace'

'today we had fish chimps and mushy bees'

[BrilloPad]

A donkey and a chicken are in a field when the donkey falls down a hole. The chicken dashes to a BMW, ties a rope to the front and drops the other end down the hole, then jumps into the car to pull the donkey out.

The following week they're in the same field and the chicken falls down the same hole. He tells the donkey to get the BMW, but instead the donkey simply walks over and drops his penis in the hole to help the chicken climb out.

The moral of this tale? If you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pull a chick.

[EternalOptimist]

A female athlete, in training for the Olympics, goes to see her coach.

'Look coach, I want to talk about these testosterone supplements you have been giving me'
'Whats the problem ?' says the coach
'Well they are causing hairs to grow on my chest'
'Oh dont worry, its a little known fact that many women have a hairy chest'
'Is it now, well I bet they dont have to shave like I do'
'Come on dear, exactly how much are we talking about here ?'
'Well they grow all the way down to my balls, and thats something else I want to talk to you about'

[Jog On]

A middle-age redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and
they were in a huge shopping mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife window-shopped,
close by.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen nuttin' like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an
overweight, elderly lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls
and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old
blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son;

'Boy...............go gitcha Momma.'

[Lucy]

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?













Ruff.

[Board Game Geek]

Sung to the tune of the Addams Family :

"Your sister is your mother,
your father is your brother,
you all shag one another,
you're Shannon's Family !"

[BrilloPad]

Subject: Overheard in Dublin..........

Nobody knows
On HILL 16 for the Dublin v Offaly Leinster semi final. There was a minutes
silence for a recently deceased GAA member....about 40 seconds into the
minute silence some wise crack said 'I DONT KNOW WHAT A TRACKER MORTGAGE
IS'

Ireland of the Welcomes!
In Roddy Boland's in Rathmines one night I overheard a group of Italian guys
(tourists) trying to chat up two Irish girls and not getting very far. One
of the Italian's started waxing lyrical about one of the girls and her
'beautiful pale skin' and said: 'In my country, you would be a Princess' To
which the Irish girl replied 'And in my country, you'd work in a chipper,
now f**k off'.

Is there a doctor in the house?
In the Omniplex a while back, a particularly boring bit of the movie was on,
when a cry came from the dark. Shadow at the front (shouting): 'Anyone! Is
there a doctor here? Is there a doctor here?' (Shock. Confusion.) Voice
from the back: 'Here - I'm a doctor' Voice from the front: 'Sh*te film,
isn't it?' ...and sat back down Voice from the back: 'Little bastard - if I
find ya I'll rattle ya'

Hill 16 banter
Hill 16, Croke Park , Dublin playing Westmeath and Jason Sherlock becomes
embroiled in a fight with the Westmeath corner back right in front of the
Hill. One wag shouts out.... 'Go on Jason, hit him with your wok!'
Dublin barmen.............aren't they great!
My brother was in Mulligans pub on Poolbeg Street having a pint at the bar
when a yank came up and said to the barman 'Excuse me sir, where is your
bathroom?' So the barman gave him directions and off went the yank. A few
minutes later the yank returns and says to the barman 'Excuse me sir,
there's no lock on the door'. The barman replied without looking up from
the pint of Guinness he was pulling 'As long as I've been here, no-one ever
tried to rob a tulipe.'

Crowd disturbance at a Leinster game
At a recent Leinster Magners League game in Donnybrook there was an
Australian lady who was more interested in fussing over her friend's baby
than watching the game. So much so that she seemed to be upsetting the
Leinster fan next to her. She left to get chips and when she came back she
didn't see the baby immediately in the crowd and said in her strongest
Australian 'Where's the baby?' to which the Leinster fan replied angrily
'the focking Dingo took it, now sit down and watch the game!'

Post it note
I was in the queue in a post office and there was an aul wan ahead of me,
she says to the post mistress 'Give us the stamps so I can post this
parcel' The post mistress weighted the parcel and gave the aul wan the
parcel and the stamps. The aul wan looked at the post mistress and said
'Will I stick em on meself?' The post mistress says, without any hesitation
'No love, stick them on the parcel' I nearly folded.

Time to call the AA
Last Halloween during my lunch break I went down O'Connell street to buy
broom for my daughters witch costume... on the way back to work some smart
ass shouted at me 'What's wrong love...have ye broken down?'

Toilet talk
Sitting in the bog in a city centre pub. The bloke in the next cubicle says
'howya, hows it goin?'to which I reply 'ahh not too bad!' then he says
'sorry?!' and I say again 'not to bad!' then he says 'listen I'll ring you
back there's some lunatic in the jacks next to me!!'I then cringed and
waited till he left!!!

Fantastic comeback A bus stops with it's front wheels slightly inside a
yellow box at a junction. A guy with a flash girlfriend and a flash
convertible car pulls up beside the bus. The flash guys shouts out his
window at the bus driver: 'YELLOW BOX, YELLOW BOX!'. The bus driver opens
his window and says back to him: 'You'd better get her to the clinic then'

Alternative Guide Dog
At a kids football match, one of the parents is giving out about the fact
that the manager of the team has his Jack Russell dog at the sidelines with
him. She gets out of her seat to give him an earful, saying... 'Ya
shouldn't be allowed with that dog on the pitch, not when there's kids
playing'. Without turning, he declares... 'I have to have him. He's my
guide dog'. 'Yeah right', she says 'Jack Russells arent guide dogs'. He
turns to face her, with his eyes shut, and arms outstretched and shouts,
stunned.... 'The bastards! They gave me a Jack Russell?!!'

[BrilloPad]

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting
in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??