Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

You can tell the credit crunch is hitting hard. Women are having sex with their husbands again, as they can't afford batteries.



Bill asks his good friend how he can put a little sparkle back into his dull marriage.

'Try being more adventurous and romantic,' Barney says.

When you go home tonight, give your wife a big bunch of flowers and a bottle of vintage champagne, then strip off and make mad, passionate love to her on the living room rug.'

Bill agrees it's worth a try.

Next day, Barney eagerly asks how it went.

'So,' he chuckles, 'did you do what I suggested?'

'Not half!' Bill replies. 'But I'm not sure who was more surprised - my wife or her book group.'

[original PM]

Pretty Offensive these

Michael Jackson has announced his Uk tour dates

4/5/2009 Jospeh aged 12
10/5/2009 David aged 9
15/5/2009 Bobby aged 11
etc etc



Elizabeth Fritzl appeared in court today after consuming a ful english breakfast.
Someone could have told her she still had Daddies Sauce around her mouth







Probably going straight to hell for these.

[EternalOptimist]

Some jokes are pure visual, this one requires a bit of visualisation at the end.


A guy gets referred to a psychologist because he has a sex obsession.

Psychologist - 'So you have an obsession with breasts ?'
guy - 'Its all I can think about doctor, tits , titties, bazoomers'
'ok, lie down, we will try a few tests. First off - word association'

'Apple'
'tits'
'OK now when I said the word apple, what made you think of breasts'
'Well, an apple is round, firm, juicy, and has a little stalk on the end, like a nipple. mmm, tits, titties , bazoomers'

'ok.....Rugby'
'tits'
'why?'
'well a rugby ball is big, bouncy, nicly curved in a conical sort of way. pointy at the end. mmm tits, titties, bazoomers'


psychologist thinks hard, I'll get the b@stard.
'ok.....windscreen wipers'
'tits'
'You have to be fcking kidding. Where the fck do you get tits from winscreen wipers ?'


the guy sways his head violently from side to side
'slurrrp, slurppp, sllluurrrp,slurp,slurpp'

[BrilloPad]

Life on Mars... The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulatingenough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, howthey make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.' A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners forthe night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian gooff to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeniemember about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quiteimpressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, hismember grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremelyexciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go theirseparate ways.. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it anygood?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache from herconstant slapping of my forehead and pulling on my ears.'

[Menelaus]

***SICK JOKE ALERT***

An elderly Jewish man wins €9m on the German lottery and has a party in the synagogue. He stands up and offers a toast to the assembled congregation and he says (you'll have to imagine an elderly Jewish mans voice):

"Friends, friends, friends...I have had much luck in my old life so I'm going to split my win. To my family €3m - to do with as they wish. To the synagogue, where I have prayed for many a long year €3m and to the Nazi party the remaining €3m."

The crowd are, understandably, upset by this and demand to know what he's doing that for. Again, he stands up again and rolling up one sleeve says:

"Where do you think I got the numbers from?"

[BrilloPad]

Q What’s brown and sticky?
A A stick.


Q How do you know when a man has had an orgasm?
A You can hear him snoring.

George went to his doctor looking very distressed.
`What’s up?’ said the doctor.
`I’ve got a lettuce leaf growing out my bottom’, said George.
`Let’s have a look’ said the doctor.
After a thorough examination the doctor said,
`This is serious George - it’s the tip of the iceberg!’

Q Why do men like smart women?
A Opposites attract.

[BrilloPad]

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!


THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.


Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'


Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...




BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.


Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

[original PM]

Friday Fun

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.




I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercove detective.
How cool is that at her age?!



I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wan*ing.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"



I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the
kids.
Took her out with one punch.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.



I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding
behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."



Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[ba55meister]

FREEZE BATH! AWESOME!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lo9w0CmE7I

[Swiss Tony]

A recent report from the government stated that "terrorists in Britain are ready to strike at any moment."

Not only do we have to live in constant fear of these people, we've got to listen to them complain about their work conditions too.

What is the world coming to?