Please put more jokes here

[EternalOptimist]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids .

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help wi th Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner ope ned a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big tits.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[EternalOptimist]

A stranger is arriving at his hotel in a taxi and he asks the taxi driver where the local 'action' is.
'Dont think there is any local action' says the taxi driver.
'There must be something , I am really desperate' says the traveller.
'Well do you remember that church we just passed on the corner ? there is a mad nun that inhabits the cemetary at the back, and I have heard, er a friend told me, that if you tell her you are jesus or the archangel Gabriel or something, she will lift her habit up and bend over the gravestone'

So the traveller hits the bar and as soon as it gets dark, he gets a white sheet from the room and heads for the cemetary. He puts the sheet over himself and within two minutes he sees a dark shape flitting through the gravestones.
The nun comes up to him and says 'is that you lord'
'No, its st Peter and I have come down to have my way with a bride of Christ'
So the nun hoiks her habit up bends over a tombstone and pulls her drawers down. WHAM, the guy is straight up her @arse.
After he is done, he pulls the sheet off and says, 'I have a confession, I am a travelling salesman' The nun whips her wimple off and says 'thats nothing, I am a taxi driver'

[BrilloPad]

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

[EternalOptimist]

A farm worker suffers a terrible accident, his willy gets torn off by a threshing machine. The surgeons have no luck reattaching his member, but when the look for a donor, they come up blank. The only donor they can find is an elephant that just died at the local zoo. So the wife is agog 'you want to put a full grown elephants kn0b onto my husband' 'actually its a baby elephant' says the surgeon.
'you want to put a baby elephants kn0b onto my husband - no way'
'actually its a female elephant, and we were thinking of using the trunk. Its that or nothing. Elephant trunks are prehensile you know, they can wiggle about at the end'
'wiggle about'
'yes , wiggle about'
'Ok go ahead then'

So the guy has an elephants trunk attached and his wife is ecstatic, she has the best time in bed she ever had, she would never go back to a non-prehensile willy. When they asked the guy what he thought, he said 'well the new willy can do everything the old one could, my wife loves it, the only problem is that when I go past a bakers shop it grabs buns and stuffs them up my @rse'

[BrilloPad]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke

[BrilloPad]

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'

[Chantho]

Busting for a sh11te he pulls over

Are there a lot of muslims on the M40 ? (I've never been there)

[BrilloPad]

There was a blonde that wanted to be a movie star. She traveled all the way to California and ran out of money. A friend suggested she go into the better neighborhoods and go door to door offering to work. She knocked on one door and told the young man that she needed money and would do anything for $100. The young fellow thought a moment and said: "I'll tell you what. If you paint my porch, I will give you $100 when you finish." The blonde agreed, the young man gave her a gallon of paint, and went back inside. About 30 minutes later, there is a knock on the door and the young man answers and finds the blonde standing there."I'm all finished she said." "You finished the entire porch already?", the young man asked. "Yes" said the blonde. "But I have to tell you it is a Porsche, not a porch."

[BrilloPad]

a blonde was getting take out and parked in the "15 minute" parking spot. She timed herself and she took about 5 minutes so she sat in her car for 10 more minutes.

[BrilloPad]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."