Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[BrilloPad]

An 85 year old man is having a physical examination. The GP gives him a specimen bottle and says: 'Take this and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the old man reappears at the doctor's and hands him a bottle - empty.

The man explains: 'First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand and still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife to help. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out. But no luck.

'So we asked the lady next door. She tried between her knees. But still no joy.'

The doctor is shocked. 'You asked your neighbour to help you get a semen specimen?'

'No,' the old man replies. 'To get the lid off the bottle!'

[Spacecadet]

A man leaves his hotel room and gets into the lift to head down to the lobby.
As he gets in he accidently elbows an attractive lady in her rather well endowned chest.
"I'm so sorry," he says "but if your heart is as soft as your chest then I'm sure you'll forgive me"
"Well" she replies "If your cock is as hard as your elbow then I'm in room 607"

[voodooflux]

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."

This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.

She told him that she just couldn`t do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn`t unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.

She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I`m sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want," He replied, "That`s ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

[BrilloPad]

Relatives gather together anxiously in the hospital waiting room for news of their dying uncle. The doctor comes in looking sombre.

'I'm afraid the only hope left is a brain transplant,' he says. 'Unfortunately you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

'Well, how much does a brain cost?' they ask.

'It's £5,000 for a male brain and £200 for a female brain,' the doctor replies.

'Why does the male brain cost so much more?' a woman inquires indignantly.

'It's standard pricing procedure,' the doctor explains. 'We have to mark down the female brains because they've actually been used. The male brains haven't so they're as good as new.'

[Money Money Money]

Relatives gather together anxiously in the hospital waiting room for news of their dying uncle. The doctor comes in looking sombre.

'I'm afraid the only hope left is a brain transplant,' he says. 'Unfortunately you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

'Well, how much does a brain cost?' they ask.

'It's £5,000 for a male brain and £200 for a female brain,' the doctor replies.

'Why does the male brain cost so much more?' a woman inquires indignantly.

'It's standard pricing procedure,' the doctor explains. 'We have to mark down the female brains because they've actually been used. The male brains haven't so they're as good as new.'

Could you not have adapted this appropriately?

[Spacecadet]

Could you not have adapted this appropriately?

Its also quite ironic that the doctor telling them that male brains are "never used" is a bloke.

[BrilloPad]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .
>
> They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such
> when they passed this small sandal shop.
>
> >From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
> say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! '
>
> So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I have special
> sandals I think ! you would be interested in.Dey make you wild at sex.'
>
> Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
> man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
> sex God he was.
>
> The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex
> freak?'
>
> The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
>
> So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
> tried them on.
>
> As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look inhis eyes,
> something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
>
> In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent himviolently
> over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
> grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
>
> The Jamaican began screaming, 'You got dem on de wrong feet!, you got
> dem on de wrong feet!'.

[BrilloPad]

Could you not have adapted this appropriately?

eh? what do you suggest?

I was insulting men - are you suggesting I am a woman?

<looks down pants>

its still there! gf not cut it off yet......

[BrilloPad]

A group of soldiers are fed up spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the major hires a sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She comes on stage and the soldiers go mad for her first dance and clap for five minutes.

For her second number, she strips and dances in a sheer bra and G-string. This time they clap for 10 minutes.

Next, she dances topless, and the applause goes on for so long the major has to ask for calm before the grand finale.

For her last number, she strips completely and dances naked.

The major expects the soldiers to bring the roof down.

But 10 minutes later there's no clapping whatsoever.

So backstage... 'What happened?' the major asks the dancer. 'How come there was no clapping at the end?'

'Well,' she purrs, 'how do you expect those poor boys to clap with just one hand?'