Please put more jokes here

[Diver]

Michael Jackson Press Conference
________________________________________
Wednesday, 11:15 a.m., PST

Official Transcript of Press Conference conducted by Santa Barbara Sheriff Jim Anderson

Anderson: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

Yesterday morning at around 8:30 a.m., investigators from the Santa Barbara Sheriff's Department served a search warrant at Neverland Ranch. Approximately 70 investigators from the sheriff's department and district attorney's office were involved in the service of this warrant at Neverland Ranch. The operation was concluded around 11 p.m. PT last night. The service of the warrants was part of an ongoing investigation alleging criminal misconduct on the part of Michael Jackson.


The basis for this investigation regarding Mr. Jackson involves allegations of child molestation 288(a) of the California penal code.


Additionally, an arrest warrant for Mr. Jackson has been issued on multiple counts of child molestation. The bail amount on the warrant has been set at $3 million.


Now we'll open it up to the press for questions.

Reporter: Yes, What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?

Anderson: I'm sorry?

Reporter: What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect ten?

Anderson: I... don't know...

Reporter: Two five year olds!

[Reporters break out into laughter]

Anderson: Come on. That's just childish. Next question, please.

Reporter: Yes, have you also heard today that the Boy Scouts released Michael Jackson from his Cub Scouts duties?

Anderson: No, I'm sorry I hadn't.

Reporter: Yeah, apparently he was up to a pack a day.

[Reporters ROAR with laughter]

Anderson: No more Michael Jackson jokes! Serious questions only. [Scans room] Yes, you.

Reporter: Yes, it was our understanding that upon hearing the news of his arrest, Mr. Jackson had to be taken to the hospital.


Anderson: I hadn't heard that.

Reporter: Yeah, apparently he was choking on a small bone!

[Reporters are now CONVULSING in uncontrollable laughter]

Anderson: Quiet! That's enough! Don't you have any compassion or understanding of the present situation? A man is being accused of sexually molesting an innocent 12-year-old boy, and there could very well be other children who were molested, and all you can do is use this opportunity to crack jokes?"


[Reporters begin to hang heads in shame]

Anderson: Good. Now, does anyone have a question pertaining to the investigation that's not a Michael Jackson joke?

[No hands raise]

Anderon: "NONE OF YOU?!"

[A hand goes up]

Anderson: Yes, you there.

Reporter: What exactly were investigators looking for when you searched Mr. Jackson's home?

Anderson: This isn't a setup to a joke?

Reporter: No sir, it's a serious question.

Anderson: Well good, but unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to discuss that.

Repoter: Really? Because we were told you were looking for something black and white and comes in little cans!

[Reporters BURST OUT in laughter]

Anderson: Now come on! That's just... no wait, you know I just got it - Comes in little cans! [Laughs]. Okay, okay, I got one, and stop me if you've heard this one before: How does the sheriff's department already know he's guilty?

[waits for anticipation]

Anderson: Because several children have already fingered him!"

[Reporters HOWL]


Can't remember if I posted this last year

[BrilloPad]

Groan

A girl got pregnant, even though she'd insisted her boyfriend used a condom. 'What went wrong?' she asked him.

'Well, the instructions said stretch carefully over organ' the boy said 'And we've only got a piano.'

[Diver]

The naked women who dried herself in front of the fire and set fire to her bush.

police arrested her for smoking crack

[Board Game Geek]

The naked women who dried herself in front of the fire and set fire to her bush.

police arrested her for smoking crack

Who, her ?

[BrilloPad]

Signs

> In a Podiatrist's office:
>
> 'Time wounds all heels.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Septic Tank Truck:
>
> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
>
> **************************
>
> At a Proctologist's door:
>
> 'To expedite your visit, please back in.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Plumber's truck:
>
> 'We repair what your husband fixed.'
>
> **************************
>
> On another Plumber's truck:
>
> 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Church's Bill board:
>
> '7 days without God makes one weak.'
>
> **************************
>
> At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
>
> 'Invite us to your next blowout.'
>
> **************************
>
> At a Towing company:
>
> 'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
>
> **************************
>
> On an Electrician's truck:
>
> 'Let us remove your shorts.'
>
> **************************
>
> In a Nonsmoking Area:
>
> 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
> action.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Maternity Room door:
>
> 'Push. Push. Push.'
>
> **************************
>
> At an Optometrist's Office:
>
> 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Taxidermist's window:
>
> 'We really know our stuff.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Fence:
>
> 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
>
> **************************
>
> At a Car Dealership:
>
> 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
>
> **************************
>
> Outside a Muffler Shop:
>
> 'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
>
> **************************
>
> In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
>
> 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
>
> **************************
>
> At the Electric Company
>
> 'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
>
> However, if you don't, you won't be.'
>
> **************************
>
> In a Restaurant window:
>
> 'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
>
> **************************
>
> In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
>
> 'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
>
> **************************
>
> At a Propane Filling Station:
>
> 'Thank heaven for little grills.'
>
> **************************
>
> And don't forget the sign at a
>
> CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
>
> 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

[xoggoth]

Yesterday we passed a lorry with "My wife likes a big one" on the back. Thought it was something his mate had written in the dirt but it was the actual company slogan, on side too.

[voodooflux]

Failed audition

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. In my script it clearly said: "Enter Juliette from the rear..."

[BrilloPad]

Results of a recent survey shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.



The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you

both have sex until you are blue in the face.



The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a short

time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the

kitchen.



The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a long

time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your

bedroom.



The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

* This is when you have been with your partner for too long.

When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'



The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon

and Nun at Night. (Very Popular)



The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes

you to court and screws you in front of everyone.



And; Last, but not least The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your

self.

[BrilloPad]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny black bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike.' the cop said 'did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep' the little girl said, 'He sure did.'

The cop looked the bike over then handed the little girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of the bike.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said 'Nice horse you got, did

Santa bring it to you?'



'Sure did' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop again and said



'Next year tell Santa the d**k goes underneath the horse, not on top!'

[BrilloPad]

Man 'Doctor I've been stung by a bee on my penis.'

Doctor 'What do you want me to do about it?'

Man 'Could you give me something to keep the swelling up?'


An 80 year old man was arrested as he streaked through the main marquee of the Chelsea Flower show. He won first prize for his dried arrangement.