Please put more jokes here

[Swiss Tony]

Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big gong and a mallet.

"What's with the gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? How does it work?" asked the friend.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You ar*ehole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

[Swiss Tony]

A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?"

The bar tender says no.

The duck walks out.

Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?"

The bar tender says no.

The duck walks out.

The duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?

The bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! And if you ask that one more time I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar!"

The duck walks out.

Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?"

The bar tender says no.

"Got any crackers?"

[BrilloPad]

A local news station is interviewing an 80 year old lady who's just married for the fourth time.

'So what does your new husband do?' the interviewer asks.

'He's a funeral director,' she replies.

'And what did your last three husbands do for a living?'

'Well, she says. 'My first husband was a banker. The second was a ringmaster, the third was a preacher. And now I have a funeral director.'

Asked why she married men with such diverse careers, the old lady replies:

'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!'

[BrilloPad]

Bob and Tom fancy a few pints, but can only raise £1. So Bob goes into a shop and buys a large sausage.

'Are you crazy?' Tom says. 'Now we're skint!'

'Don't worry,' Bob grins, then he goes into a pub and orders two pints.

Before the barman has time to ask for the money, the pair down their drinks. Then....

'OK,' Bob says to Tom. 'I'll stick the sausage out through my flies and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

Tom does this and the angry barman boots them both out.

The men continue like this in pub after pub, getting drunk for free. But in the 10th bar ... 'That's enough!' Tom says. 'I'm drunk, and my knees are sore.'

'What about me?' Bob replies. 'I lost the sausage ages ago!'

[EternalOptimist]

Its the western desert in 1942, a tiny outpost near the Walahari oasis. The brigadier arrives to inspect the men and he pulls the captain aside and says 'what do the men do for , you know, sex. I hope there's none of that homo stuff going on.
'Follow me sir'. So that the captain takes the Brigadier to the camel pens, where there are two female camels tethered to the hitching rail.
'Oh I see' says the Brigadier. Not wanting to ask the men to do anything he wouldnt do himself, the Brigadier drops his kecks, pulls his chopper out and gets up behind the first camel, then gives her what for.

'Well, is that the way the men do it?'
'Actually sir, they jump on their backs and ride like **** for Cairo'

[EternalOptimist]

An Everton fan and a ManU fan are sitting in a train compartment, glowering at each other. They dont want to kick off because there is a gorgeous blonde sitting there, and they are trying to impress her. In the fourth seat is a wrinkled old granny.
The train goes through a tunnel and there is a loud kiss followed by a thwack, and when the train emerges, the united fan is sitting there nursing a bloody nose.

The granny thinks to herself, 'how romantic, the handsome young man u fan steals a kiss off the blonde, and she defends her honour by slapping him.ahhh'

The United fan sits there fuming. 'Bloody typical. The scouse git snogs the bird and she clouts ME by mistake'

The blonde is thinking 'well thats just great. I have been waiting for one of these guys to pick me up, and the manc kisses the granny by mistake. Just as well she planted him to teach him a lesson'

The Everton fan is thinking 'This is ace. kiss the back of yer and, smack the manc in the beak, and no one says a fkin dicky bird'

[BrilloPad]

Q Why don't men wear tight underwear?
A It's cuts off the circulation to their brains

Q What lies on its back with its ***** in the air
A A drawing pin

[EternalOptimist]

An old dear with a daschund visits her friend who own a pedigree poodle. She says 'before I put the kettle on, would you mind putting the daschund in the garden, because pom pom is, you know, in heat'
'but its raining out there, why not tie pom pom to the bed by her lead?'
'Well whats to stop your doggy going up and deflowering her?'
'Ah now, have you ever seen a sausage-dog with a hard-on climb up stairs?'

[xoggoth]

No but i'd like to.

[EternalOptimist]

No but i'd like to.

I'll arrange it, but you'll have to bring your own lead