Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded,
and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A --- Associates with crooked politicians, and
consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain
smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B --- He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until
noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every
evening.

Candidate C --- He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any
extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then Scroll down for the answer.


































Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

...and by the way:
Answer to the abortion question -
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

[BrilloPad]

COLLISION COURSE

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.

Americans: WE recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[BrilloPad]

A man limps into the doctors and tells him he has a problem. The doctor asks
him what the problem is,to which he replies,"I have a lettuce leaf stuck up
my bum,"

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and bend over the table for him to
have a look.

As the doctor peers up the mans backside with his torch he gasps,"I think
you have a bigger problem than you thought,"

The man replies,"what`s the matter doctor, what do you see?"

The doctor replies,"It`s only the tip of the iceberg."

[BrilloPad]

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and
he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars,
planes; anything he wanted.
The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with
crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around
drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the life gard tower and all his friends look up. He
calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool
will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says
"OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my
house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims across my pool
gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my
money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle,
all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments
and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls
over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he
gets out of the pool on the other side.
The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him, and says
"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do
you want the money now or later?"
"I don't want the money." comes the reply.
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later"
"I don't want the cars or the planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"
"I don't want that either."
"Do you want the drugs now or later?"
"I don't want the drugs."
"Do you want the girls now or later?"
"I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the MotherF***er that pushed me in."

[BrilloPad]

Some bright spark has thought of these 'enlightening' comments:-

Lightbulb Jokes

How many Sales People does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Just one but it'll take technical support weeks to sort out the mess
left behind.

How many Salesmen does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
Only one, but the light bulb is pretty well screwed when he's finished
with it.

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.

How many managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the lightbulb into the
faucet.

How many support people does it take to change a lightbulb?
We have an exact copy of that lightbulb here and it seems to working
fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok, Just exactly
how dark is it? Ok. There could be four or five things wrong. Have you
tried the light switch? Well, try it now. Ok. Look over by the door.
Is there a little rectangular thing on the wall? It might be beige
colour. Good. That's called a light switch.

How many developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
The lightbulb works fine on the system in my office. Not reproducible.

How many testers does it take to change a lightbulb?
We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.

How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to turn up the day before when you're out; One to change
the switch; One to bring along the wrong sort of light bulb.

How many gay-rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. "The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept
it."

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

How long does it take a C Programmer to screw in a lightbulb?
24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to
compile all the libraries.


Sorry to all you computer buffs out there.

ciao

[BrilloPad]

Management lessons!

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
Below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
************************************************** ******************
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
The top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of
the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of
The tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out
of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bulltulip might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
************************************************** ******************
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The
Brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses
and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain
about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be
the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money. "And so it went
on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole
spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So
The asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a
short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched,
the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they
all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and
Passed out the tulip!
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
************************************************** ******************
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the
Bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how Warm it was. The dung
was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops tulip on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of tulip is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep tulip, keep your mouth shut!
===

[BrilloPad]

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams
across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the
courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she
agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with
flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in
nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit
late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will
entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you
however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into
the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.
As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are
completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer
game, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete
silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls
down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as
suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch
and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and
places a match stick under each eye lid.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is
shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again
rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and
throws another glass of water over her nether regions. Dad leaps up
gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his
eyelids.
No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter
returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete
disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in
the living room.
At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I
done something wrong?" "It's not you," replied her date, "It's just
that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am
still a bit shocked."
After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man
reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her
chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws
a glass of water over her behind."
"I see," says the girl, "What happened then?" "Well, if that isn't
enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and
does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick
under each eye lid.' "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The young man
can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.
"It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get
this **** a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, **** him. I'm
watching the match.'"

[BrilloPad]

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to
them at that time of life.
The 80 year old said:"The best thing that could happen to me is to be
able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts,
and I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could
have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my
hands on and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at
6:00am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great
bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could
wake up before 7:00."

[BrilloPad]

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his
patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because
he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex
with their patients so its not like you're the first...".
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice
in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

[BrilloPad]

While travelling home from a business trip a man travelling at 60 miles
an hour in a 45 mile an hour zone topped a hill just in time to see a
state trooper turn on his flashing red and blue lights. As the police
car pulled out behind the man's car the man thought to himself, "I can
out run this guy," and increased his speed to 70 miles an hour. With
the police car still in pursuit he accelerated to 80, then 90, then 100
miles an hour. Before long he decided it was of no hope and pulled over
to the side of the road. The officer walked up to the side of the man's
vehicle and shouted, "I have had a very bad day and am in no mood to
stand out here in this heat giving you a ticket. Just give me a good
reason why you were driving so fast and I'll let you go." The man
thought for a minute, then said, "Well, officer, my wife left me about
three weeks ago for a state trooper. When I saw your lights come on, I
thought you were him and you were trying to bring her back."