Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all
gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when
you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed
her knickers and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

"Now THAT'S a good date!"

[BrilloPad]

The old ones are the best (jokes that is)


> "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
> "Well you can't say fairer than that then."
>
> "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
> "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
> "Is it common?"
> "It's not unusual."
>
> A Guy goes into the doctor's.
> "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
> "How's that?"
> "Don't you start"
>
> A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampax for 1
> pound. She can't believe how good the deal
> is and asks the manager
> "is this deal correct?"
> "Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached."
>
> Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
> "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
> "I don't believe you," said Dolly
> "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
>
> A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
> The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
> "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
> "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
> Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
> "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
> "No, because he's bloody heavy."
>
> Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
> "What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
> "Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt
> your head" replies the Doc.
> "How the bloody hell will that help?"
> "Easy", replies the Doc, "When the chocolate cools it should come out
> a treat....."
>
> A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the
ceiling.
> He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want
> to
> participate in our competition?"
> The guy asks "What's it all about?"
> The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of
> meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to
buy
> the whole pub a drink."
> The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate............
>
> ...the steaks are too high!"

[BrilloPad]

Only in Britain?

> > Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster
> > than an ambulance...
> >
> > Only in Britain...are there disabled parking places in
> > front of a skating rink...
> >
> > Only in Britain...do Supermarkets make the sick people
> > walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
> > prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
> > at the front.
> >
> > Only in Britain...do people order double
> > cheeseburgers, large fries,and a diet coke.
> >
> > Only in Britain...do banks leave both doors open and
> > chain the pens to the counters.
> >
> > Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of
> > pounds on the drive and put our junk in the
> > garage.
> >
> > Only in Britain...do we use answering machines to
> > screen calls and then have call waiting so we
> > won?t miss a call from someone we didn?t want to talk
> > to in the first place.
> >
> > Only in Britain...do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten
> > and buns in packs of eight.
> >
> > Only in Britain...do we use the word "politics" to
> > describe the process of Government. "Poli" in Latin
> > meaning "many" and "tics" meaning ?bloodsucking
> > creatures.?

[BrilloPad]

> Bumper stickers
>
> "All generalisations are false."
> "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
> "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
> "I love cats ... they taste just like chicken" (Supposedly seen outside
> a
> Chinese restaurant ... I suppose that Item #2 was labelled as 'sweet and
> sour
> tabby')
> "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
> "Forget the Jones's, I keep up with the Simpsons."
> "Born Free......... Taxed to Death"
> "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
> "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
> "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
> "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
> "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
> "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
> "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
> "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
> "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
> "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
> "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
> "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
>
> "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
> "If you don't like the news, go out and make some." (No doubt popular
> with
> Post Office employees)
> "I Brake For No Apparent Reason." (That's a popular one down here in FL
> and
> can usually seen on a car in the extreme left lane travelling at 45 mph)
>
> "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
> IRS."
> "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
> "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
> "No Radio - Already Stolen" (in the Heathen Northeast they say that
> 'BMW'
> stands for Break My Window')
> "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
> "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
> "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
> "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
>
> "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
> "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
> "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
> "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
> "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
> "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
> "LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."
> "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
> "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
> "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
> "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
> "Forget about World Peace..... Visualise Using Your Turn Signal
> "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
> "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
> "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
> "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
> "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
> "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
> "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
> "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
> "There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
> "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
> "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog.-Dorothy."
> "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

[BrilloPad]

> * This car stops for all road-kills
> * Keep Grandma off the road. Legalise bingo
> * Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something
> * Conserve water. Shower with a friend
> * Flying saucers are real, the Air Force does not exist
> * Exxon Suxx
> * The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful
> * Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.
> * Your kid may be an honours student, but you're still an idiot.
> * All generalisations are false.
> * Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
> * I brake for no apparent reason.
> * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
> * I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
> * Forget about World Peace...Visualise using your turn signal.
> * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
> * He who laughs last thinks slowest.
> * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
> * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
> * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
> * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
> * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
> * I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
> * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
> * Forget the Jones's, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
> * Born free...Taxed to death.
> * The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
> * Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
> * Rehab is for quitters.
> * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
> * Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
> * All men are idiots, and I married their King.
> * Horn broken. Watch for finger.
> * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
> * Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
> * Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
> * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
> * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
> * If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
> * When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
> * Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
> * No radio - Already stolen.
> * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
> * Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
> * I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
> * Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
> * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
> * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
> * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
> * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
> * Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
> * IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
> * Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
> * It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
> * According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
> * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
> * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
> * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
> * Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
> * How can I miss you if you won't go away?
> * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
> * Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
> * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
> * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
> * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
> * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
> * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
> * Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
> * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
> * i souport publik edekashun.
> * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
> * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
> * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
> * Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
> * Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
> * I love animals, they taste great.
> * EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
> * I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
> * The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
> * Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
> * A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
> * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
> * I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
> * I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
> * Assassins do it from behind.
> * All generalisations are false, including this one.
> * "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
> * Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
> * What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
> * Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
>
>

[BrilloPad]

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a
bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots
for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to
stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,"
she
told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As
she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was big.. very
big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was:
These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a
bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes
are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two
men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read
her
mind. Surely they knew her hesitation about joining them the elevator was
all
too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with
a
mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and
followed
with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator
doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then
another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed
her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her
heart plummeted Perspiration poured from every pore. Then ... One of
the men said, "Hit the floor."

Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew
upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she
prayed. More
seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll
just tell us
what floor you're going to, we'll push the button."
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was
trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked
up
at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized one,
"I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't
mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip.
It
was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too
humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words
failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
for
behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to
say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to
her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid
she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good
evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter
while
they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She
pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room-a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:
"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed,

Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

[BrilloPad]

Little James has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big
toilet like his Daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis
on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little James lets
out a huge scream. His mother comes running to find James hopping round
the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his
little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."
Little James's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's sh1t with me!"

[BrilloPad]

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired
him because he was an original!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer
and
we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target of middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to
a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: 50 lbs of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who
thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like
to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[BrilloPad]

> Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling
> life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon
> her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her
> front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
> One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the
> Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother,
> what are you doing here after all these years?"
> The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since
> you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last
> met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes.
> Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
> Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some
> thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath
> she uttered her first wish:
> "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
> Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid
> gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful
> cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of
> the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said
> "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".
> The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do.
> What does your heart wish for your second wish?"
> Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said:
> "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth
> again".
> At once, her wish having been desired, became reality,
> and her beautiful youthful visage had returned.
> Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been
> dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and
> vitality began to course through her very soul.
> Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke
> "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
> Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the
> corner and said:
> "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a
> beautiful and handsome young man".
> Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a
> change in his biological make-up, that when complete
> he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of
> which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed
> that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
> The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations,
> Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing
> shock of bright blue electricity,she was gone.
> For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked
> into each other's eyes.Cinderella sat, breathless,
> gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever
> seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat
> transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in
> his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her
> ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
> blowing her golden hair with his warm breath...
>
> "I bet you regret having my b***ocks chopped off now,
> don't you?"

[BrilloPad]

Fifteen Things That it Took Me 40 Years to Learn
1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we put the clocks forward.

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.

3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organised protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT
use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life (i.e., never
confuse having a career with having a life!).

12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very
often, that individual is crazy.

15. Your friends love you, anyway.