Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher
greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me
death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba,
who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people,
by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed.
Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than
you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard
a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

[BrilloPad]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows
the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is
your suspect, how would you recognise him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because
the only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because
the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the
picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your
suspect, how would you recognise him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be
too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two??
Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture
of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the
third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognise him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving
me a
stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an
interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file
and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his
office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a
beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in
fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an
astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."

[BrilloPad]

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor "Dactor, it's me
ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and
takes a look. "Incredible". he says, "there is a
£20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the
twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note
appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What
do you want me to do?.

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the
patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another
twenty appears, and another and another etc...

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is
dare den?.

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

[BrilloPad]

The out-of-province couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny
hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town
folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

"That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for
the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite
and finds his wife in tears.

One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her bottom is
blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

"Some of those lumberjacks from town came over and told me they don't
allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

"Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into
town and finds the lumberjackss in a bar. "Who is the jerk who painted my
wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a double edged axe in his hands.
"I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of
paint is dry."

[BrilloPad]

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about
a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog,
he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We
all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that
whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a
contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute
sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie,"
and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was
beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a
deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

[BrilloPad]

...lots to groan over here...

How do crazy people go through the forrest?
They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting"

How are a tornado and an Arkansas divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

[BrilloPad]

Tributes have been pouring in over the death of Stanley Matthews

Kevin Keegan said he was 'a legend'

George Best described his talent as 'sublime'

David Beckham said' I loved his turkey drummers. They're bootiful'

[BrilloPad]

> The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol
> bottles, such as:
>
> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
> whispering when you are not.
>
> WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
> like a jerk.
>
> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
> same boring story over and over again until your friends want
> to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
>
> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
> ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
> the morning.
>
> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
> the hell happened to your pants.
>
> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
> the morning and see something really scary (whose species and
> or name you can't remember).
>
> WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
> inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
>
> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
> you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
> really big guy named Chuck.
>
> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you
> are invisible.
>
> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
> are laughing WITH you.
>
> WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
> time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps
> of time may seem to literally disappear.

[BrilloPad]

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam
in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a
conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the
whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his
breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only
eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle
them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The
American had a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In
the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with
the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put
them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum
and sell them to the United States."

[BrilloPad]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes (In my next life I want to be
a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure. (Is that why Flipper is always smiling)

Only humans and horses have hymens.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm.)

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times it's
own weight and it always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ....?)

Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew..who cares?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish
rank No 1 for the animal having the most taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
(It's like a human jumping the length of a football field)

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it
starves to death. (Creepy).

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping
the males head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig....quality over
quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
(I know some people like this)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like this too).

After reading all these, all I can say is....LUCKY PIGS