Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LEEDS TOO LONG

1. You are unaware of any other club culture except Leeds

2. You get secretly excited when people say Leeds is the new big thing.

3. You fool yourself into thinking you can afford to shop at Harvey
Nicks by
going to the restaurant and ordering a water- and taking five hours
to
drink it.

4. Ladies: you dress like a tart out of Ibiza Uncovered for a night
out.

5. Gents: you act like a ****** from Ibiza Uncovered for a night out..

6. You'll go into a designer shop at the start of the new season and
ask how much something will be in the end of season sale.

7. You go around Harvey Nicks to see what's in fashion, then run over
to TopShop and buy something similar - and then lie about where you
got it
from.

8. You see Leeds United players beating someone up/shagging a blonde in
Majestyk and don't think anything of it.

9. You think Londoners are ponces and that London is 'crap', but you've
never been as you can't afford the fare, and mum won't let you
borrow the
mini.

10. You hate students - even though you are one.

11. Leeds is the centre of your universe - you can't ever imagine
leaving.
Until you leave, then you can't ever imagine going back.

[BrilloPad]

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG

1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.

2. You drink Guinness as if it is a sixth food group.

3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.

4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks
good.

5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.

6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.

7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.

8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan

9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing
of it.

10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread
or potatoes

11. You say "Your man" all the time.

12. You say "Your woman" all the time.

13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.

14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked
for you by someone's mammy - at 30.

15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.

[BrilloPad]

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG

1. You have an urge to steal

2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap

3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'

4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are

5. You often wonder why so many Scousers leave Liverpool and never
come back.

6. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.

7. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'

8. You think that Albert Dock is 'for the tourists'. What tourists?

9. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.

10. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any
more

[BrilloPad]

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN PARIS TOO LONG

1. You prefer dogs to people.

2. You've forgotten how to shave.

3. You spit on the street and think nothing of it.

4. You find it hard not to be sleazy when wooing members of the
opposite sex.

5. You smoke instead of eating.

6. You consider two bottles of wine an 'aperitif'

7. You won't buy anything unless it is in black.

8. You have a strange aversion to the British, Belgians or anyone else
for that matter.

9. You refuse to speak English - even to your parents. You smoke on the
underground - even when you get back to the UK.

[BrilloPad]

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN EDINBURGH TOO LONG

1. You say 'how?' instead of 'why?'. But not in public.

2. The thought of haggis, neeps and tatties does not disgust you, but
you only eat it to be 'ethnic'. Normally it is caviar or nothing.

3. You think Glaswegians are unsavoury, but you've never met any as you
are too scared to go to Glasgow after dark in case somebody steals
one of
your eleven mobile phones.

4. You think it is your God-given right to slag all the other Scottish
cities.

5. You speak with a Morningside accent when sober... and then like a
Leith dockworker when drunk.

6. You have whisky for breakfast.

7. You are strangely proud and protective of Irn-Bru.

8. You haven't noticed how sickly and horrible Irn-Bru is.

9. You know the difference between a McDonald and a McKenzie tartan.

10. You think paying £10 for a 3 minute cab ride is perfectly
acceptable.

11. You will sulk at the champagne being warm at Hogmanay.

12. You sulk if there are no after-club parties because you can't
possibly go to bed before 11.30 am the next day.

13. You will sulk if you don't manage to spend £1000 on your Jenners
account card in your lunch hour.

[BrilloPad]

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG

1. You say 'pish' all the time

2. You say 'aye' all the time

3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's
pish'

4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of
pish, like'

5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet

6. You punch everybody you meet

7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.

8. You are incomprehensible.

9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from

10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the
words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.

11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have
consumed since birth.

[BrilloPad]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With
an
air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and,
smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a
sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can
do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But
for
****s sake tell him to take his hand off the entryphone . . ."

[moorfield]

SIGNS YOUVE BEEN CONTRACTING IN AN IB TOO LONG

10. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization."

9. You refer to dating as test marketing.

8. You can spell "paradigm."

7. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

5. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

4. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.

3. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."

2. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people."

And the number 1 sign you've been in an Investment Bank too long...

1. You use the term "value-added" without laughing.

[moorfield]

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

[moorfield]

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”