• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    [ Crappuccino:
    The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.

    Just curious as to how you got crappucino to post unmoderated.....
    If you find this post offensive, please insert "Chan" before and "tho" after, then it should be OK.

    Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being - Elvis Costello


      (Truth for a change)

      On last nights Irish Who Wants to be a Millionaire we had our first £0
      winner. He incorrectly chose "Jenny" as the female of the rabbit. It
      didn't help that he "asked the audience" and the majority went with Jenny
      too. He left with his "phone a friend" and "50/50" lifelines unused.

      In the following fast finger round, 3 contestants failed to work out the
      order of the months March, April, June and October.

      Almost as bad was the two contestants last night on the UK version who
      couldn't rearrange the following into a Harrison Ford movie a) INDIANA b)


        Originally posted by Chantho View Post
        What is the mystery 7th thing for women? Is it "not having to do anything mathematical / vaguely technical"?
        I just checked - I was only emailed 6!


          A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the
          custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her
          feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child
          into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also
          wanted custody of his children.
          The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of
          silence, the man rose from his chair and replied "Judge, when I put a
          dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi
          belong to me or to the machine?"


            The madam opened the brothel door to see a frail,
            elderly gentleman.

            "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

            "I want Natalie," the old man replied.

            "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies,
            perhaps someone else."

            "No, I must see Natalie."

            Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old
            man that she charges
            $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached
            into his pocket and
            handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room
            for an hour, whereupon
            the man calmly left.

            The next night he appeared again demanding to see
            Natalie. Natalie explained
            that no one had ever come back two nights in a row
            and that there were no
            discounts. It was still $1,000 a visit.

            Again the old man took out the money, the two went
            up to the room and an hour
            later, he left.

            When he showed up the third consecutive night, no
            one could believe it.
            Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room
            they went.

            At the end of their hour Natalie questioned the old
            man: "No one has ever
            used my services three nights in a row. Where are
            you from?"
            The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

            "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives

            "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died,
            and your sister gave me
            $3,000 to give to you


              The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
              hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
              approached her and said:

              "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that
              your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

              "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

              "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
              gentleman in earnest.

              The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
              anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat


                Good King Wenceslas phoned Pizza Hut with his order.

                "Is that the usual?", the man asked.

                "Yes, deep pan, crisp and even"


                  There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
                  Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings, a man picks it
                  up and the following conversation ensues:
                  "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
                  "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a
                  beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
                  "What's the price?"
                  "Only $1,500.00"
                  "Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much..."
                  "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
                  2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman
                  and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange
                  the BMW that we bought last year."
                  "What price did he quote you?"
                  "Only $60,000..."
                  "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
                  "Great!, before we hang up, something else."
                  "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
                  and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the
                  house we had looked at last year -- it's on sale! Remember? The one
                  with a pool English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property?"
                  "How much are they asking?"
                  "Only $450,000. A magnificent price and I see that we have that much
                  in the bank to cover it!"
                  "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
                  "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
                  "Bye, I love you, too!"

                  The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while
                  holding the phone and asks to all those present. "Does anyone know who
                  this phone belongs to?"


                    Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes
                    to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees
                    him she starts wailing and crying.
                    One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.
                    Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was
                    wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue
                    The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a
                    black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do. The next
                    day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert
                    before his funeral the following day.
                    When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile
                    through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the
                    attendant "how did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"
                    "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size
                    was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she
                    was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit" the
                    attendant replied.
                    He continued "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads


                      My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a
                      bank note, for two twenties.