Grin

[wobbegong]

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down to The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and
shouting, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to The pub and have a drink with me?"



A little voice came out of the box: .




"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ing shoes on."

[Colemanisor]

What have Liverpool and Olivia Newton John got in common?
They both got screwed in Greece.

[Barriebazg]

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our ******* car."

[cojak]

[The Lone Gunman]

Bloke goes into a pet shop and says "I want to buy a wasp"

The shop keep says "we don't sell wasps"
Bloke says "You've got one in the window"

[wobbegong]

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our ******* car."

Excellent!

[Moscow Mule]

A man walks in to a pub and loudly proclaims,

"This is Butch, the talking dog, and he can do anything you ask him to do"

"Alright" says the Barman, "Here's 20 quid, go and buy me the Evening Standard and a packet of rizlas"

"OK" says Butch, in a gruff voice.

Two hours later, Butch hasn't returned and his owner is distraught. They send out a search party and eventually find Butch down an alleyway with a lady dog.

The owner cries

"Butch, you've never done this before"

Butch says

"Ha, I never had the money before"

[Barriebazg]

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

[wobbegong]

A guy goes to the Doctors to ask for some contraceptive pills for his daughter.

"And how old is your daughter?" asks the doctor, "Nine" says the guy. "Good heavens" say the doc "you're not telling me your daughter is sexually active at age nine!?". The guy says "I would say active really, she just lies there like her mother".

IGMC

[Barriebazg]

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."