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Tommy Cooper Thread

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    Tommy Cooper Thread

    We haven't had one for a while, so...

    >
    >Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
    >
    >The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
    >
    >Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
    >
    >"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
    >
    >"Is it common? "
    >
    >"It's not unusual."
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
    >
    >"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
    >
    >"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
    >
    >So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    >
    >Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
    >
    >"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
    >
    >"No, because he's really heavy"
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
    >
    >"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
    >------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >So I went to the dentist.
    >
    >He said "Say Aaah."
    >
    >I said "Why?"
    >
    >He said "My dog's died.'"
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >
    >"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
    >
    >'Who's speaking please?'
    >
    >And a voice said 'You are.'"
    >-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >So I rang up my local swimming baths.
    >
    >I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
    >
    >He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
    >-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >"So I rang up a local building firm,
    >
    >I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
    >
    >He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And
    >
    >there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
    >
    >It's either my mum or my dad.
    >
    >Or my older brother Colin.
    >
    >Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
    >
    >But I think it's Colin.
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
    >and he said
    >
    >'You've been promoted.'
    >
    >And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said
    >
    >"You've been promoted again.'
    >
    >And I swerved again.
    >
    >He rang up a third time and said
    >
    >'You're managing director.'
    >
    >And I went into a tree.
    >
    >And a policeman came up and said
    >
    >'What happened to you?'
    >
    >And I said 'I careered off the road.
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
    >
    >The one I was in went back and forwards.
    >
    >I thought 'This is unusual'.
    >
    >And the dentist said to me
    >
    >Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
    >---------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
    >give me a lift?"
    >
    >I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
    >
    >"Does this taste funny to you?"
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
    >
    >and the other was eating fireworks.
    >
    >They charged one and let the other one off.
    >-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
    >
    >They left a little note on the windscreen,
    >
    >it said
    >
    >'Parking Fine.'
    >
    >So that was nice."
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >A man walked into the doctors,
    >
    >The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
    >
    >The man replied "I know I've been ill"
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >A man walked into the doctors,
    >
    >he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
    >
    >The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
    >
    >He wasn't very happy.
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
    >
    >couldn't find any.
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a
    >
    >month for the next 2 years.
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
    >
    >of them would have seen it.
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >Phone answering machine message -
    >
    >...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
    >
    >couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
    >
    >He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
    >---------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
    >
    >A strong currant pulled him in.
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
    >
    >He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    >
    >The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
    >
    >craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
    >kayak
    >
    >and heat it.
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
    >
    >with hundreds and thousands.
    >
    >Police say that he topped himself.
    >--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
    >
    >The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
    >

    #2
    Man walks into a bar.

    Iron bar. A ha ha . I thank you.
    What happens in General, stays in General.
    You know what they say about assumptions!

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      #3
      What's this W

      A dead one of these M

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