A dead one of these M
-
Tommy Cooper Thread
We haven't had one for a while, so...
>
>Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
>
>The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>
>Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
>
>"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
>
>"Is it common? "
>
>"It's not unusual."
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>
>"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
>
>"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>
>So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>
>Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
>
>"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>
>"No, because he's really heavy"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
>
>"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
>------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>So I went to the dentist.
>
>He said "Say Aaah."
>
>I said "Why?"
>
>He said "My dog's died.'"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
>
>'Who's speaking please?'
>
>And a voice said 'You are.'"
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>So I rang up my local swimming baths.
>
>I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
>
>He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"So I rang up a local building firm,
>
>I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
>
>He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And
>
>there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>
>It's either my mum or my dad.
>
>Or my older brother Colin.
>
>Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>
>But I think it's Colin.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
>and he said
>
>'You've been promoted.'
>
>And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said
>
>"You've been promoted again.'
>
>And I swerved again.
>
>He rang up a third time and said
>
>'You're managing director.'
>
>And I went into a tree.
>
>And a policeman came up and said
>
>'What happened to you?'
>
>And I said 'I careered off the road.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
>
>The one I was in went back and forwards.
>
>I thought 'This is unusual'.
>
>And the dentist said to me
>
>Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
>give me a lift?"
>
>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
>
>"Does this taste funny to you?"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
>
>and the other was eating fireworks.
>
>They charged one and let the other one off.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>
>They left a little note on the windscreen,
>
>it said
>
>'Parking Fine.'
>
>So that was nice."
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A man walked into the doctors,
>
>The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
>
>The man replied "I know I've been ill"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A man walked into the doctors,
>
>he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
>
>The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
>
>He wasn't very happy.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>
>couldn't find any.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a
>
>month for the next 2 years.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
>
>of them would have seen it.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Phone answering machine message -
>
>...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
>
>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>
>He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
>
>A strong currant pulled him in.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
>
>He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
>
>The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
>
>craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
>kayak
>
>and heat it.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
>
>with hundreds and thousands.
>
>Police say that he topped himself.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
>
>The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
>
Leave a comment: