A silly thread

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Was walking with my nice weird lady friend today (she's a bit like the Cat Lady in The Simpsons without any cats) and she was moaning about
a straw hat she'd bought, wondering if she should take it back.

Apparently serial returners are a big problem for stores. Just as well they are not obliged to take back perishable items like food.





PS She could have brought it back two days later and the cartoon would have been even more revolting. Unfortunately, I must observe CUK restrictions on content.

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BBC, what have you done?

Saw a bit of a BBC program The Truth About Sleep the other day and was interested in a part about how prebiotic supplements improve your non REM sleep. Did a Google for prebiotic supplements and there was a popup from this supplier saying they were currently out of stock because of the big rise in demand the program has triggered.

I also found in my Google "research" that prebiotics (not to be confused with probiotics that have the opposite effect) make you fart more.

So, if you travel a lot on the bus or train and notice more horrid smells, you will be pleased to know that you paid for them via your TV licence fee.

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Technology

Garmin do a voice activated Satnav. Voice-activated navigation responds to your commands and then navigates to where you need to go. Too mean to buy one and I don't drive to unfamiliar places much anyway but it sounds really useful. Then off course we have those self drive cars by Google and others.

It won't be very long before we just get into the car and say something like "Verlena, drive me to Doncaster" and it will reply "Driving you to Doncaster" Then we can just sit there and relax.

But will the programs be error free and totally safe? If I was in the car, even though I wasn't driving, I would probably still get in a bad temper at every little hold up as I usually do. I would probably be shouting things like "Verlena, run over that f* cyclist" If there was some software bug it might reply "Running over that f* cyclist" and squash him.

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Another advance in technology I am looking forward to is the AI-powered smart television. It will have sophisticated CGI software that will enable you to modify any program you are watching in real time. For example, if are watching Midsomer Murders and are one of those who believe it should be more inclusive, you could change the white characters into ethnic minority characters of your choice.

Personally I would like to use it so I didn't have to see faces of ghastly politicians. Every time Teresa May came on she would have the face of Miss Piggy. Corbyn would be Karl Marx. Not decided for Tim Faron, just as long as it wasn't his own ghastly idiot face - I just hate looking at him. This Llama's face would be an improvement:

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SEO

Not had many sales through my tiny company's website this year. Guess I need to do some more SEO but it's all such a hassle keeping up with Google's latest whims. I especially can't be bothered with all that social media crap, posting some trivia on Facebook every week etc.

On the Three Girls thread in the main forum there was the inevitable mention of the 2 Girls 1 Cup video. That's an idea! If I posted an extremely pervy video on YouTube and put my website address underneath it, some would be bound to visit it hoping for more pervy stuff. Much simpler than structured data markup etc.

[barrydidit]

Not had many sales through my tiny company's website this year. Guess I need to do some more SEO but it's all such a hassle keeping up with Google's latest whims. I especially can't be bothered with all that social media crap, posting some trivia on Facebook every week etc.

On the Three Girls thread in the main forum there was the inevitable mention of the 2 Girls 1 Cup video. That's an idea! If I posted an extremely pervy video on YouTube and put my website address underneath it, some would be bound to visit it hoping for more pervy stuff. Much simpler than structured data markup etc.

Err.... this is the silly thread isn't it? Only, that sounds like a perfectly rational marketing strategy to me...

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You think so? Maybe I will PM atW, he is the expert on SEO stuff. I mean sEo stuff.

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Sometimes there are funny patterns on my paths or patio, like letters on occasions. Noticed this a couple of days ago and there's no obvious explanation, there haven't been any plants pots or other round things placed there.



Seen funny patterns on my greenhouse glass before which I am pretty sure must be down to slugs feeding on the alga which I can't be a*rsed to clean off but this is not random, it looks like a religious symbol. Could slugs be worshipping their god on my patio?

I am a bit reluctant to try and clean it off in case I incur the wrath of the Great Slug God who will punish me by covering me in slime that cannot be removed.

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Common sayings

It probably makes sense to use some common sayings to guide our lives. After all, many were invented by philosophers and other intelligent sorts and they would not have stood the test of time if they did not have a lot of truth in them. "We learn by our mistakes", for example, is brilliantly sensible. It means I can keep cocking the same things up over and over but I keep getting wiser.

On the other hand, they do not always provide enough clarity in some situations. This afternoon, for example, I was walking along a narrow corridor and stood aside to let a pretty young lady come through but afterwards I thought "Age before beauty" - I should have gone first.

But then I thought a bit more about it. Is this absolute? What if someone was much less beautiful but only a day older than another, would they still have priority? Maybe the saying is just a simplification and there is a much more complex formula we should be applying. To complicate the issue there is another phrase "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", so we are comparing a subjective value with a scientifically measurable one.

Trouble is, after pondering this problem for too long I am now unable to walk properly. When I start walking, which foot should I put forward first? Not only is the equation too complex but there is insufficient data. They look equally pretty but I am not sure which is the oldest. Presumably one emerged from the womb a bit before the other but I don't know which.

Any help on this issue would be greatly appreciated. I have emailed Stephen Hawking to see if he has any solution but, so far, have had no reply.

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Transspecies surgery

I am not one to share my problems on social media with people I don't know, so it's been very hard for me to come out about this, but I cannot keep it to myself any longer and hope some tolerant CUKers will be sympathetic and have some suggestions regarding any help I may be able to get.

I am a man but, for a very long time now, I have not been comfortable with what I am and have decided to seek help. I need to be in a body that I feel comfortable with, one that is in tune with what I feel is the real me.

I want to be a wasp.