Originally posted by rhubarb
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Post of the day [for me, at least]. Not sure what that says about me.Practically perfect in every way....there's a time and (more importantly) a place for malarkey.
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I had a brush with death the other day too, and anyone who tells you drink drivers are the most dangerous things on the road haven't taken to the road in dire need of a poo. Thinking I was doing the right thing by using a natural slow working plant (senna) to end a week of constipation, I may have taken more than the prescribed dose. So I apologise to those of you on the A14 on Sunday whom I may have scared to death, but I HAD to make that turning for the services, and I had to get there very quickly for it really was a matter of life or an expensive valet.
15 miles flat out really worrying that the next stomach pain would result in very disappointed wife and kids wasn’t nice for anyone.Comment
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Which paper is that?!Originally posted by MaryPoppinsOriginally posted by vetranComment
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Originally posted by Hairy View Post
This reminds me of a predicament my friend got into some years ago. No - it was not me.
My friend had been out drinking on a Sunday night. Early morning morning he was driving cross country to meet a client in Derby, and decided to have a McDonalds breakfast on the way - mistake.
Upon hitting a wall of stationary traffic on an A road, his guts made an alarming scrabble for the exit. As he battled to regain control of himself, he realised he was going to have to relieve himself - quickly. To this day I don't know why he didn't just do it in his car and drive home, but he claims he HAD to get to the meeting in Derby, ideally without being covered in crap.
He grabbed the small brown paper McD's bag and got out of his car, going to the grass verge on the passenger side with the intention of hiding somewhere in the verge.
Sadly, there were no hiding spaces, and time had run out for his bowels. He started unbuckling his trousers, and opened the passenger door which he then crouched behind and did his business - basically on the roadside. As he stood, he realised there was a people carrier behind him, full of kids - all of whom were staring at him out of the car - the Mum was trying to shield them. He mouthed 'sorry' [my favourite part] and scooped his poop into the brown bag - I have NO IDEA why.
He then carried the poop in the bag all the way to Derby.Practically perfect in every way....there's a time and (more importantly) a place for malarkey.
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I once got caught short on Tottenham Court Road, so dived into a Starbucks and had a massive tulip, at which point I realised there wasn't any toilet paper. Luckily I had just bought a copy of PC Pro, so I tore a few pages out and used those. Not the most comfortable wipe I've ever had, but it beats using your pants and throwing them away.While you're waiting, read the free novel we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named 'Manual.'Comment
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A friend of a friend had to have a dump at a portaloo halfway round a marathon. There was no loo roll and she decided to use her pants and flush them. She didn't want to take her shoes off and have her feet swell up so she gnawed through her knickers.Originally posted by doodab View PostComment
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