Farting Risk Analysis

[Chunk]

I guff

[FiveTimes]

My only recommendations for infringements on the above protocols is to wear thick, black Alpinestars motorbike leathers whereby the odour and sound are fully suppressed for your own comfort and well-being.

I wouldn't fancy wearing black motorbike leathers all day. People will think I've drifted over to the other side.

[bobspud]

Never fart in the quiet carriage with your headphones on. I let rip in first class once only to then see the poor chap sitting in the row behind me now almost reduced to tears.

[Mich the Tester]

My thanks to the congregation for getting into the spirit of things and most particularly to the person who placed the 'hot air' tag on the thread. I shall shortly be dining at my lodgings and I notice the landlady is boiling some sprouts!

[Mich the Tester]

The way you move after a fart is also essential. Being gaseous it will fill any void created by you attempting to walk forward hence it following you around. The best way to get rid of a pesky fart is to drop your guts and then step sideways quickly. You are then safe to walk forward without it following you.

You can of course spread it around so all can enjoy. The video below demonstrates a number of effective ways of doing this and the science of a fart following you. Very interesting.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to northernladuk again.

[Mich the Tester]

O
My only recommendations for infringements on the above protocols is to wear thick, black Alpinestars motorbike leathers whereby the odour and sound are fully suppressed for your own comfort and well-being.

Very risky in the case of scenario number 4.

[hyperD]

Very risky in the case of scenario number 4.

Tell me about it, the suffering I've had to endure for a cause!

[Dactylion]

I had some cabbage at lunch and that always has the same effect; it makes me fart. Now then, as I see it there are various risks associated with farting in the workplace. I have identified some of these risks and mitigations;

1. despite best efforts to keep the fart silent, it blasts out like a trombone announcing to all and sundry that one has farted. Mitigation; practice the technique of holding and gently releasing

2. the smell is first detected by those sitting nearby who then point at you. Mitigation; (i)
walk around somewhere else practising above technique or (ii) wait until the others have gone

3a. wet fart or shart. Mitigation; go to the bog on time and have a 20 quid dump

4. fart so toxic you can't even sit in it yourself. Mitigation; see 2 (ii)

Have I missed any risks and mitigations?

You should always be wary of:
3b - The Turtles Head - Slightly worse that a wet fart as it leaves physical evidence. Not necessarily noticeable in the office but difficult to justify to MrsMTT why there is a log in your kecks. Mitigation possibly as per 3a
3c - The Unexpected Terrible Evacuation. I think EO posted about such a situation a while ago.

Obviously as a contractor the risk/reward of remaining in the office and invoicing having tuliped yourself vs losing a days pay need to be carefully balanced.

[DaveB]

Or go to the bogs for a piss and let rip as you do so. Especially effective if the traps are occupied but no one else is present.

[mudskipper]

Or go to the bogs for a piss and let rip as you do so. Especially effective if the traps are occupied but no one else is present.

If you let rip whilst seated, the toilet bowl provides an impressive amplification effect.